Sarah Palin's Secret Gay Son

So, I had this very odd dream last night.

My father was reading to me out of The National Enquirer -- so, already you know we are in some kind of alternate-reality here -- an article claiming that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin (you might remember her from such political disasters as "The Turkey Slaughter that Upstaged My Press Conference" and "The Couric Interviews") had a secret son named Brian no one knew about, who had been disowned and exiled because of his homosexuality.

Well, I had to find out if this was true, so immediately I set out to investigate. And then, well, this being a dream, suddenly I was no longer with my father, I was entering a building that appeared to be a library. A vaguely cherubic, slightly pudgy, rosy-cheeked teenager passed me and said, "Hello, Andy."

"Wait -- how do you know my name?" I inquired of the stranger. He winked at me, and then presto we were in some kind of underground lair where he revealed his identity to me.

"You know who I am," he said -- and I did! -- "but I no longer use the name that was given to me. I am now called Shhhhhh." When he pronounced his name, it echoed around the subterranean cavern with terrible authority.

He then explained that during his years of exile he had come in contact with a master race of alien homosexuals and had become their military commander. He was right this moment in the process of initiating an intergalactic invasion that would wipe out fundygelicals once and for all and then said, "But I am looking for a pastry chef. Are you interested in the job?"

Even though I am not a pastry chef, naturally I accepted. Then I woke up.

Wonder if That Means Anything?

Last night I dreamed I moved to San Francisco and forgot to tell my father.

On Reading Revelation Before Bed

Last night I dreamed I lived in a beautiful old house out in the country, surrounded by eagles and flying leopards.

"Yes We Can"

Good speech, Hil.

What Did I Smoke Last Night?

Well, nothing, of course. But good grief I had some weird dreams.

One dream I had three times -- in the same night! And it was always the same. I was running through the forest being chased by a pack of wolves. They would corner me in a cave, standing at the mouth snarling at me, and then I'd wake up drenched in sweat. Yes, this happened three lovely times.

But that's not all. I had the dream again with a variation: the last time I was being chased by a gorilla.

I've had gorilla dreams ever since I was a child. Almost always I'm in my house and the gorilla is looking through the windows trying to see me, and I'm hiding behind a wall. But he's never chased me through a forest before.

Interpretation courtesy Dreammoods.com:

Wolf

To see a wolf in your dream, symbolizes beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are a loner by choice. Negatively, it represents hostility and aggression. It may also reflect an uncontrollable force or situation in your life. In particular, if the wolf is white, then it signifies valor and victory. [Andy: no, they were dark gray, all three times.] You have the ability to see the light even in your darkest hours.

Gorilla

To see a gorilla in your dream, suggests that you may be too "over the top" in your behavior. Perhaps you are compensating for your rigidity and stiffness in your waking life. Alternatively, the gorilla symbolizes your primitive impulses, wild nature and repressed sexual energy. [Andy: Well, duh.]

Last night I had this really disturbing dream where my tongue was growing longer and longer, and I could no longer contain it in my mouth. It was starting to pop my teeth out from behind.

So, I did what anyone else with a previously unheard of medical condition would do, and I sought out the advice of an Indian sage. (In my dream it was unclear if I actually went to India somehow, or whether I managed to find one in Beaverton.) He was sitting on a rock with a loincloth and a yellow turban, and he talked like Apu.

I explained what was happening to me and he tilted his head to one side and said, "Silly boy, it is immediately apparent to me the reasons for your discomfort. Your present occupation allows you no outlet for self-expression."