Last night I had this really disturbing dream where my tongue was growing longer and longer, and I could no longer contain it in my mouth. It was starting to pop my teeth out from behind.

So, I did what anyone else with a previously unheard of medical condition would do, and I sought out the advice of an Indian sage. (In my dream it was unclear if I actually went to India somehow, or whether I managed to find one in Beaverton.) He was sitting on a rock with a loincloth and a yellow turban, and he talked like Apu.

I explained what was happening to me and he tilted his head to one side and said, "Silly boy, it is immediately apparent to me the reasons for your discomfort. Your present occupation allows you no outlet for self-expression."