Friday, February 25, 2005

Homosexuality Threatens National Security

The United States of America is on the verge of collapse. Not because we are at risk of losing the war on terror or because we face imminent economic catastrophe. Not even because global warming threatens our crops, livestock and cities with natural disasters, or because Janet Jackson showed off one tit for 1.2382975 seconds.

No, the great nation that is America is facing its own obsolescence because of homosexuality.

At least, that's the new legal argument being put forth by conservatives in courtrooms around the country. As an AP report described it this morning, "states have a legitimate interest in barring gay marriage to promote procreation and thus ensure the survival of the state and the species."

The species? So it's not really even the United States. The human race, as we know it, could cease to exist. We're going the way of the dodo bird and the passenger pigeon.

"The fundamental right to marry has always been about procreation,'' Alliance Defense Fund attorney Glen Lavy said.

The fact that we, as a society, are hell-bent on self-annihilation via non-reproductive sexual practices is staggering in its implications. Imagine a world where everyone was a homosexual!

The restaurant chain Hooters would disappear, unless it dramatically overhauled its marketing campaign to start attracting an exclusively female clientele, or hired a male staff and renamed itself Boxes. The Monster Truck Show industry would be decimated, bringing economic ruin to the American south and midwest. Everybody Loves Raymond would be instantaneously canceled and never issued on DVD. Dinner theaters from Nashville to Boise would begin producing La Cage aux Folles and The Boy from Oz; classic stage works would be revised. On Broadway, one could see Harvey Fierstein starring in Oklahomo!

Well, one can always dream.

Jim Guckert, the self-described "born-again Christian family man" who is also available via the internet to fulfill your military-fetish same-sex fantasy desires at $200/hr, asked President Bush last month in a White House press conference, "How are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?"

I frequently am forced to ask myself the same question.

Look around, people! Please share with me what evidence you see that heterosexuality is a phenomenon in decline. Are hospital maternity wards empty? Did Huggies recently declare bankruptcy? Teenage babysitters unable to find work? Television networks mounting same-sex dating reality shows? Oh, wait. Forget that last one.

But seriously, I live in Manhattan, which is one of the gayest places on earth. There are babies everywhere! Everywhere I go, even to restaurants and upscale shops in Chelsea -- which is the gayest place on earth -- heterosexual couples abound.

Still, I'm worried about the possibility that mankind could be on the verge of extinction. (Even Paris Hilton is apparently now a lesbian, so maybe there IS cause for concern.) I was so bothered by the prospect of our imminent demise, that I even devoted a good five seconds to internet research this morning to see what's going on out in the world.

And this is what I learned: It took several million years for the human population to finally reach a global total of one billion; then it took 130 years to double. Currently, another billion lives are added to the earth's population total every eleven years. (That's only if you accept evolution, because otherwise the earth is only 4,000 years old, which really messes up the calculation and would mean that heterosexuals have the breeding habits of guppies.)

If that's the "homosexual agenda" in action, I have a message for the good folks at the AARP: it's not working.

Activist judges in Arizona ruled in 2003 that "homosexual couples by themselves cannot procreate." (And here I've been using condoms to avoid an unwanted pregnancy!) Thanks for clearing that up. There must be a required law-school course out there entitled, "Stating the Obvious 101."

There's a small issue they've overlooked, however, and that is that every single gay person I know -- and I've met quite a few! -- is the product of a heterosexual physical union. Yup, it's straight people who are responsible for breeding gays. So go ahead, promote heterosexuality and childbirth. All you'll get are more gays. If those population statistics are true, then straight people are popping out 100,000,000 homosexuals every eleven years.

Keep it up, you're doing a fabulous job.


Anonymous said...

You're peddling unfair stereotypes. I'm heterosexual and I HATE Everybody Loves Raymond.

Anonymous said...

Oklahomo, LOL!!!! Fucking hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I am pretty sure that creationists think that the world is 5,000+ years old, not 4,000. Also, West Hollywood is much more gay then Chelsea. All the lost straight couples who find themselves in WeHo are terrified. Moreover, other than the lesbian couples pushing prams at gay pride, I haven't seen a baby here in years.

Andy said...

I stand corrected. I consulted a Creation theory website and learned that Earth is exactly 6009 years old. Happy Birthday, earth, you don't look a day over 5900.

Knottyboy said...

Aren't we soooo evil? Don't we just exude such acid and angst from every pore. But damn it! Don't we look delicious doin' it?

Matthew said...

So, if the purpose of marraige is procreation, does that mean we straight folks aren't allowed to use birth control? If you're in a man/woman couple, but don't want kids, doesn't that make you just as evil as two men married to each other because both couples are contributing 0 offspring to the interests of national security and world propogation?

Andy said...

Knottyboy: some of us look more delicious than others.

Matthew: Yes. Additionally if you follow the marriage = procreation logic, then senior citizens should also be barred from marriage (hey, why should they get tax breaks if they're no longer adding to the gene pool?) and every heterosexual must provide medical documentation of fertility in order to receive a marriage license; failing that, they must sign an affidavit indicating that they intend to adopt.

It's all such nonsense. It's especially disgusting when you see the statistics that indicate that divorce rates are actually much higher for born-again Christians than for the rest of the country. And why is that? I think it's because they have this "no sex outside of marriage" idea and they end up marrying someone just so they can finally hop in the sack without feeling guilty about it, but then it turns out they've married someone who should have been a one night stand. Either that or they fuck up, literally, get pregnant, and then get married in order to cover up the fact that they're stupid and irresponsible. Gay people, at least, don't have babies by accident.

R said...

Very well written, Andy...

And to add to the debate, my ex-boyfriend-who-now-is-married-to-a-girl had a best friend who literally got married so that he could have sex with his wife. Can you believe this??? This happened in this century! ARGH :P