First, a big, big thank you to my sweet friends Derek and Mike for hosting a great Oscar party with more candy and individual-sized snack packs than a 7-11. I had a blast! (of sugar, which kept me up until 2 a.m., but I have no one to blame but myself.)
The red-carpet pre-show just isn't the same unless Cher is nominated for something. (Slate has a report on the homogenizing Oscar-night fashion trend followed by starlets afraid of ending up on worst-dressed lists in tabloids around the world.)
It was decided at the party that The View should become a reality show where the suckiest hosts get voted off the island, so that we can return Star Jones back to the obscurity she deserves. She looked like she was going to a 1980's theme prom in Alabama in a dress she borrowed from her fatter older sister, shod in Payless pumps. Nothing wrong with being a big girl -- there's more of her to love! -- but wearing a dress that's too big for you doesn't help the illusion. And the HAIR! -- a lovely tribute to Marge Simpson.
Still, she was less distracting than Joan Rivers, who looks more and more like Amanda Lepore every year. Since Amanda Lepore used to be a man, that's not a compliment. For either of them.
In the fashion scene, Cate Blanchett always looks amazing, she has such class. Still, it was agreed that yellow is an odd gown color, unless you're Penelope Cruz. When Oprah strolled down the carpet looking like a million bucks, she easily eclipsed dumpy Star. Natalie Portman's gown seemed inspired by the Charioteer of Delphi, except with cleavage plunging to her pupik. Laura Linney -- a trifecta of fashion terror: gown (ugly color, Frankenstein stitching, and those ruffles!), hair (Dyke on a Bike), and necklace (my dog wants her choke collar back)!
Hilary Swank's gown looked prude from the front (closest thing to a turtle neck we've ever seen at the Oscars), but the back was about 1 milimeter shy of waaaay too much information. Renee Zellwegger's gown was clearly inspired by those heart-shaped boxes of Valentine's Day chocolates trimmed with frilly lace. Honey, you're a blonde, embrace it. Shoe-polish black hair doesn't work. PS, eat something. Gwyneth...if you don't got it, don't flaunt it. Counting Crows Guy...what the hell? Spike Lee: Fez + safety goggles makes you look like you just graduated from shop class.
Okay, on to the ceremony and the winners. Chris Rock did a pretty good job of hosting; the excursion to an inner-city movie theater to see how many fans had seen this year's nominees was hilarious. (Full disclosure: I didn't see any of this year's best picture nominees; I just can't get that interested in hobbit-free movies.) I didn't entirely approve of his putdowns of Tobey Maguire and Colin Farrell. (Notice I did not mention Jude Law.) If there was any doubt as to whether Hollywood has a "liberal bias," it was dispelled with Rock's praise for Fahrenheit 9/11 and his comments on Bush's presidency, which took the form of an analogy to a cash register at The Gap being $70 trillion short and an employee starting a war with Banana Republic over tank tops, only to discover that Banana Republic never made any tank tops. Conservatives presumably have their squarepants in a knot, but face it: your president is a thief and a terrorist so if Hollywood wants to make fun of him, you just need to shut up and take it.
Beyoncé looked and sounded fabulous, but...three songs? Is there no one else in Hollywood who can sing? I guess not, as she was partnered up with milquetoasty Josh Groban, and the evening's other soloist, Antonio Banderas, made composer Jorge Drexler -- who gave the evening's best acceptance speech, er, uh, song -- cringe in his seat.
In terms of acceptance speeches, Jamie Foxx put in a plug for corporal punishment and thanked his grandmother for continuing to "advise" him from beyond the grave. Scary! Hilary, tell me you didn't know you were going to win, everyone else did! What was that speech? First and foremost she wanted to thank her husband, after she'd thanked a lot of other people. (She forgot to thank him last time.)
For me, it was worth sitting through all the monotony and predictability to see Barbra Streisand doing her damndest to keep Dustin Hoffman vertical; he was so soused he made the best-picture nominees sound like the titles of foreign films. (Milluhdollahbubbah???) He almost stole her moment by going ahead and reading the winner, but with a roll of her eyes she managed to snatch the envelope with one hand and prop him up with the other. (Watch it all here.) Then she said she wasn't wearing her glasses and couldn't read the winner, so she had to hand it back to him. A priceless moment that will go down in Hollywood history, for sure.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Sunday, February 27, 2005
A Blonde Moment
A friend of mine is studying German and is trying to nail down when to use "dativ" and when "accusativ." She was all excited. She said, "I learned a mnemonic device!...But, I can't remember what it is."
Bush: Sticking to the Message, 27 Years Later
Speaking to the Midland Country Club in Texas on the issue of privatizing Social Security, the New York Times reports that Mr. Bush had this to say:
"Social Security will be bust in 10 years unless there are some changes," he said, according to an account published the next day in The Midland Reporter-Telegram.
That was in 1978.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You can't trust this man when it comes to numbers and economic analysis. He was wrong then, and he's wrong now.
"Social Security will be bust in 10 years unless there are some changes," he said, according to an account published the next day in The Midland Reporter-Telegram.
That was in 1978.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You can't trust this man when it comes to numbers and economic analysis. He was wrong then, and he's wrong now.
On This Day in Middle Earth
Merry and Pippin escape and meet Treebeard.
The Rohirrim attack at sunrise and destroy the Orcs.
Frodo and Sam descend from Emyn Muil and meet Gollum.
Faramir sees the funeral boat of Boromir.
The Rohirrim attack at sunrise and destroy the Orcs.
Frodo and Sam descend from Emyn Muil and meet Gollum.
Faramir sees the funeral boat of Boromir.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Friday, February 25, 2005
On This Day in Middle Earth
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli reach the west-cliff at sunrise.
Eomer disobeys Theoden's orders and pursues the Orcs from the Eastfold.
Eomer disobeys Theoden's orders and pursues the Orcs from the Eastfold.
Homosexuality Threatens National Security
The United States of America is on the verge of collapse. Not because we are at risk of losing the war on terror or because we face imminent economic catastrophe. Not even because global warming threatens our crops, livestock and cities with natural disasters, or because Janet Jackson showed off one tit for 1.2382975 seconds.
No, the great nation that is America is facing its own obsolescence because of homosexuality.
At least, that's the new legal argument being put forth by conservatives in courtrooms around the country. As an AP report described it this morning, "states have a legitimate interest in barring gay marriage to promote procreation and thus ensure the survival of the state and the species."
The species? So it's not really even the United States. The human race, as we know it, could cease to exist. We're going the way of the dodo bird and the passenger pigeon.
"The fundamental right to marry has always been about procreation,'' Alliance Defense Fund attorney Glen Lavy said.
The fact that we, as a society, are hell-bent on self-annihilation via non-reproductive sexual practices is staggering in its implications. Imagine a world where everyone was a homosexual!
The restaurant chain Hooters would disappear, unless it dramatically overhauled its marketing campaign to start attracting an exclusively female clientele, or hired a male staff and renamed itself Boxes. The Monster Truck Show industry would be decimated, bringing economic ruin to the American south and midwest. Everybody Loves Raymond would be instantaneously canceled and never issued on DVD. Dinner theaters from Nashville to Boise would begin producing La Cage aux Folles and The Boy from Oz; classic stage works would be revised. On Broadway, one could see Harvey Fierstein starring in Oklahomo!
Well, one can always dream.
Jim Guckert, the self-described "born-again Christian family man" who is also available via the internet to fulfill your military-fetish same-sex fantasy desires at $200/hr, asked President Bush last month in a White House press conference, "How are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?"
I frequently am forced to ask myself the same question.
Look around, people! Please share with me what evidence you see that heterosexuality is a phenomenon in decline. Are hospital maternity wards empty? Did Huggies recently declare bankruptcy? Teenage babysitters unable to find work? Television networks mounting same-sex dating reality shows? Oh, wait. Forget that last one.
But seriously, I live in Manhattan, which is one of the gayest places on earth. There are babies everywhere! Everywhere I go, even to restaurants and upscale shops in Chelsea -- which is the gayest place on earth -- heterosexual couples abound.
Still, I'm worried about the possibility that mankind could be on the verge of extinction. (Even Paris Hilton is apparently now a lesbian, so maybe there IS cause for concern.) I was so bothered by the prospect of our imminent demise, that I even devoted a good five seconds to internet research this morning to see what's going on out in the world.
And this is what I learned: It took several million years for the human population to finally reach a global total of one billion; then it took 130 years to double. Currently, another billion lives are added to the earth's population total every eleven years. (That's only if you accept evolution, because otherwise the earth is only 4,000 years old, which really messes up the calculation and would mean that heterosexuals have the breeding habits of guppies.)
If that's the "homosexual agenda" in action, I have a message for the good folks at the AARP: it's not working.
Activist judges in Arizona ruled in 2003 that "homosexual couples by themselves cannot procreate." (And here I've been using condoms to avoid an unwanted pregnancy!) Thanks for clearing that up. There must be a required law-school course out there entitled, "Stating the Obvious 101."
There's a small issue they've overlooked, however, and that is that every single gay person I know -- and I've met quite a few! -- is the product of a heterosexual physical union. Yup, it's straight people who are responsible for breeding gays. So go ahead, promote heterosexuality and childbirth. All you'll get are more gays. If those population statistics are true, then straight people are popping out 100,000,000 homosexuals every eleven years.
Keep it up, you're doing a fabulous job.
No, the great nation that is America is facing its own obsolescence because of homosexuality.
At least, that's the new legal argument being put forth by conservatives in courtrooms around the country. As an AP report described it this morning, "states have a legitimate interest in barring gay marriage to promote procreation and thus ensure the survival of the state and the species."
The species? So it's not really even the United States. The human race, as we know it, could cease to exist. We're going the way of the dodo bird and the passenger pigeon.
"The fundamental right to marry has always been about procreation,'' Alliance Defense Fund attorney Glen Lavy said.
The fact that we, as a society, are hell-bent on self-annihilation via non-reproductive sexual practices is staggering in its implications. Imagine a world where everyone was a homosexual!
The restaurant chain Hooters would disappear, unless it dramatically overhauled its marketing campaign to start attracting an exclusively female clientele, or hired a male staff and renamed itself Boxes. The Monster Truck Show industry would be decimated, bringing economic ruin to the American south and midwest. Everybody Loves Raymond would be instantaneously canceled and never issued on DVD. Dinner theaters from Nashville to Boise would begin producing La Cage aux Folles and The Boy from Oz; classic stage works would be revised. On Broadway, one could see Harvey Fierstein starring in Oklahomo!
Well, one can always dream.
Jim Guckert, the self-described "born-again Christian family man" who is also available via the internet to fulfill your military-fetish same-sex fantasy desires at $200/hr, asked President Bush last month in a White House press conference, "How are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?"
I frequently am forced to ask myself the same question.
Look around, people! Please share with me what evidence you see that heterosexuality is a phenomenon in decline. Are hospital maternity wards empty? Did Huggies recently declare bankruptcy? Teenage babysitters unable to find work? Television networks mounting same-sex dating reality shows? Oh, wait. Forget that last one.
But seriously, I live in Manhattan, which is one of the gayest places on earth. There are babies everywhere! Everywhere I go, even to restaurants and upscale shops in Chelsea -- which is the gayest place on earth -- heterosexual couples abound.
Still, I'm worried about the possibility that mankind could be on the verge of extinction. (Even Paris Hilton is apparently now a lesbian, so maybe there IS cause for concern.) I was so bothered by the prospect of our imminent demise, that I even devoted a good five seconds to internet research this morning to see what's going on out in the world.
And this is what I learned: It took several million years for the human population to finally reach a global total of one billion; then it took 130 years to double. Currently, another billion lives are added to the earth's population total every eleven years. (That's only if you accept evolution, because otherwise the earth is only 4,000 years old, which really messes up the calculation and would mean that heterosexuals have the breeding habits of guppies.)
If that's the "homosexual agenda" in action, I have a message for the good folks at the AARP: it's not working.
Activist judges in Arizona ruled in 2003 that "homosexual couples by themselves cannot procreate." (And here I've been using condoms to avoid an unwanted pregnancy!) Thanks for clearing that up. There must be a required law-school course out there entitled, "Stating the Obvious 101."
There's a small issue they've overlooked, however, and that is that every single gay person I know -- and I've met quite a few! -- is the product of a heterosexual physical union. Yup, it's straight people who are responsible for breeding gays. So go ahead, promote heterosexuality and childbirth. All you'll get are more gays. If those population statistics are true, then straight people are popping out 100,000,000 homosexuals every eleven years.
Keep it up, you're doing a fabulous job.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
On This Day in Middle Earth
The Breaking of the Fellowship. Boromir is slain, his horn is heard in Minas Tirith. Merry and Pippin captured.
Frodo and Samwise enter the eastern Emyn Muil. Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas set out in pursuit of the Uruk-Hai at evening.
Eomer receives word about a party of Orcs entering Rohan.
Frodo and Samwise enter the eastern Emyn Muil. Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas set out in pursuit of the Uruk-Hai at evening.
Eomer receives word about a party of Orcs entering Rohan.
It's Good to Get Out of the Public Eye for a While
Remember Jeff Gannon, aka Jim Guckert? I know, it's been a full two weeks since the story broke, so it's forgivable if you need a recap. He's the gay prostitute available through several websites catering to a clientele with a military fetish who, in his spare time, doubled as a White House correspondent.
For two years he was approved for a daily press pass to the White House, where he was allowed to query press secretary Scott McClellan and the President himself; this despite the fact that Gannon/Guckert did not possess any identifiable press credentials and posted "news" articles comprised of cannibalized White House press releases on a partisan website, Talon News. He also wrote under the name "Jeff Gannon" and was identified during Q&A by the President as "Jeff," even though he reportedly used ID with the name "Jim Guckert" on it in order to get through security every day.
He applied for a Congressional press pass, but was denied because he couldn't pass the background check or verify that he worked for an independent news service.
There is also speculation that he was given access to classified material regarding the Valerie Plame leak.
When the blogosphere revealed his identity and rentable alter-ego (as well as pointing out that he had written anti-gay "news" reports, including one that accused John Kerry of being homosexual), he immediately resigned from his position at Talon News and posted a statement on his personal website that said, "In consideration of the welfare of me and my family I have decided to return to private life."
By “returning to private life” he apparently meant granting an interview to Editor & Publisher, where he said he was hoping to be invited to the annual White House Correspondents Gala Dinner in April. (I’m sure some of his old pals in the press corps would love to see him again.) According to the Washington Post, he’s also been arranging paid speaking appearances, justifying it by saying, "There are people who are definitely interested in some of my behind-the-scenes work in the press room."
Excuse me? Is that a self-deprecating joke? Because, even if it is, it’s not funny. And if it’s not a joke, what exactly is he referring to? Did he have access to people or documents or situations that weren’t open to members of the legit press? Or is he hinting that someone in the White House press office was one of his sex clients?
Stay tuned, folks. There will be more to this story.
For two years he was approved for a daily press pass to the White House, where he was allowed to query press secretary Scott McClellan and the President himself; this despite the fact that Gannon/Guckert did not possess any identifiable press credentials and posted "news" articles comprised of cannibalized White House press releases on a partisan website, Talon News. He also wrote under the name "Jeff Gannon" and was identified during Q&A by the President as "Jeff," even though he reportedly used ID with the name "Jim Guckert" on it in order to get through security every day.
He applied for a Congressional press pass, but was denied because he couldn't pass the background check or verify that he worked for an independent news service.
There is also speculation that he was given access to classified material regarding the Valerie Plame leak.
When the blogosphere revealed his identity and rentable alter-ego (as well as pointing out that he had written anti-gay "news" reports, including one that accused John Kerry of being homosexual), he immediately resigned from his position at Talon News and posted a statement on his personal website that said, "In consideration of the welfare of me and my family I have decided to return to private life."
By “returning to private life” he apparently meant granting an interview to Editor & Publisher, where he said he was hoping to be invited to the annual White House Correspondents Gala Dinner in April. (I’m sure some of his old pals in the press corps would love to see him again.) According to the Washington Post, he’s also been arranging paid speaking appearances, justifying it by saying, "There are people who are definitely interested in some of my behind-the-scenes work in the press room."
Excuse me? Is that a self-deprecating joke? Because, even if it is, it’s not funny. And if it’s not a joke, what exactly is he referring to? Did he have access to people or documents or situations that weren’t open to members of the legit press? Or is he hinting that someone in the White House press office was one of his sex clients?
Stay tuned, folks. There will be more to this story.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
On This Day in Middle Earth
The Fellowship passes The Argonath and camp at Parth Galen.
First Battle of the Fords of Isen; Theodred son of Theoden slain.
First Battle of the Fords of Isen; Theodred son of Theoden slain.
My Blog is Trading at $35.57
Can anyone please explain to me what the HELL this is?
Fellow bloggers, check it out, if you've not come across this before. If I've linked you on my blog, you're also being "traded." Scroll down to the bottom.
Fellow bloggers, check it out, if you've not come across this before. If I've linked you on my blog, you're also being "traded." Scroll down to the bottom.
Scapegays
Social Security privatization advocates are getting desperate.
The New York Times reports today that an organization called USA Next is testing an advertising campaign intended to discredit the AARP with senior citizens by linking it to support for the legalization of same-sex marriage.
"We are going to be revealing areas where the AARP is out of touch with a large number of their members, including the issue of marriage," Charlie Jarvis, the group's chief executive, said in a statement. "We will engage AARP with an aggressive campaign to educate the people about where they really stand on the issues and how out of touch they are with the large majority of their own members."
The ad prototype, which was available briefly online through The American Spectator, showed two photographs: a crossed-out shot of a U.S. soldier and another one, marked with a campaign-ad style checkmark, of two men in tuxedos kissing each other. The campaign slogan? "The Real AARP Agenda."
Somehow, right-wing activists have managed to link the floundering struggle for privatization to the war on terror and gay marriage. I'm surprised they weren't also able to work in tort reform and the global warming hoax. Maybe that's a different commercial.
What an organization that advocates for senior citizens -- with a membership largely comprised of veterans -- has to do with the war on terror is not clear. The evidence that they support gay marriage comes in the form of their position on last year's ballot measure in Ohio banning gay marriage, which they opposed "because the second clause blocked legal recognition of any union, potentially including unmarried heterosexuals, that approximated marriage rights."
Either way, none of this has anything to do with social security. Apparently USA Next thinks seniors are so gullible that they'll run screaming in fear away from a photo of two gay men and conclude that the AARP is a subversive group actually trying to undermine social security and "family values" after all. If this sounds outrageous and far-fetched, consider that USA Next hired the same consulting team responsible for the anti-Kerry "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" ads.
I guess honesty and integrity aren't "family values" anymore.
Fortunately, it seems senior citizens are not so easily distracted. A separate Times article today detailed Senator Rick Santorum's efforts in Pennsylvania to get young voters to hop on the Social Security Derailment Express. Seniors are preventing that train from leaving the station.
"We refuse to accept this concept of 'you got yours, now back off,' " Martin Berger, president of the Pennsylvania Alliance for Retired Americans, said. "We built the system. We believe it should be available for our children and grandchildren."
The New York Times reports today that an organization called USA Next is testing an advertising campaign intended to discredit the AARP with senior citizens by linking it to support for the legalization of same-sex marriage.
"We are going to be revealing areas where the AARP is out of touch with a large number of their members, including the issue of marriage," Charlie Jarvis, the group's chief executive, said in a statement. "We will engage AARP with an aggressive campaign to educate the people about where they really stand on the issues and how out of touch they are with the large majority of their own members."
The ad prototype, which was available briefly online through The American Spectator, showed two photographs: a crossed-out shot of a U.S. soldier and another one, marked with a campaign-ad style checkmark, of two men in tuxedos kissing each other. The campaign slogan? "The Real AARP Agenda."
Somehow, right-wing activists have managed to link the floundering struggle for privatization to the war on terror and gay marriage. I'm surprised they weren't also able to work in tort reform and the global warming hoax. Maybe that's a different commercial.
What an organization that advocates for senior citizens -- with a membership largely comprised of veterans -- has to do with the war on terror is not clear. The evidence that they support gay marriage comes in the form of their position on last year's ballot measure in Ohio banning gay marriage, which they opposed "because the second clause blocked legal recognition of any union, potentially including unmarried heterosexuals, that approximated marriage rights."
Either way, none of this has anything to do with social security. Apparently USA Next thinks seniors are so gullible that they'll run screaming in fear away from a photo of two gay men and conclude that the AARP is a subversive group actually trying to undermine social security and "family values" after all. If this sounds outrageous and far-fetched, consider that USA Next hired the same consulting team responsible for the anti-Kerry "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" ads.
I guess honesty and integrity aren't "family values" anymore.
Fortunately, it seems senior citizens are not so easily distracted. A separate Times article today detailed Senator Rick Santorum's efforts in Pennsylvania to get young voters to hop on the Social Security Derailment Express. Seniors are preventing that train from leaving the station.
"We refuse to accept this concept of 'you got yours, now back off,' " Martin Berger, president of the Pennsylvania Alliance for Retired Americans, said. "We built the system. We believe it should be available for our children and grandchildren."
Monday, February 21, 2005
Winter's Last Hurrah
Well, we hope. Had a mini-blizzard in New York overnight, I think we got about 4 inches or so. This morning I took a little walk through nearby Fort Tryon Park and snapped these pics below. (Click to enlarge!) Enjoy...
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Correction
In my Valentine's Day post I lamented that Montserrat Caballe "didn't have an E-flat."
I stand corrected. It's true that she didn't interpolate the traditional E-flat at the end of "Sempre libera" on her recording of La Traviata and I'd never heard her sing higher than a D-flat on any recording, so I assumed she just didn't go there.
I never heard the 1979 Maria Stuarda in Munich with Brigitte Fassbaender. She went there!
I stand corrected. It's true that she didn't interpolate the traditional E-flat at the end of "Sempre libera" on her recording of La Traviata and I'd never heard her sing higher than a D-flat on any recording, so I assumed she just didn't go there.
I never heard the 1979 Maria Stuarda in Munich with Brigitte Fassbaender. She went there!
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Customer Service, Washington Heights Style
Growing up in suburban Oregon you become accustomed to people like supermarket cashiers and gas station attendants greeting you with an enthusiastic, "Hi! How are you today?" as if you're their long-lost best friend. At the supermarket across the street from my apartment in New York City, I'm not exaggerating when I say that normally my transaction is made at the register without a single word being exchanged. Often the cashier doesn't even look at me, even when I say "Thank you." Traveling between the two locales often results in a brief bout of culture shock.
Tonight I stopped in at my local crappy video store to get a movie. (I got Bring it On. It was the poo!)
Let me define "crappy." They have Godfathers 2 and 3, but not the original. Jaws 2 and 4. Steel Magnolias is on the shelf, but the video is missing (yet they leave the box on the shelf). They have four DVD copies of Soul Plane but they don't have Citizen Kane. Kubrick fan? They do have Eyes Wide Shut and 2010, which I know he didn't direct but that's as close as they get.
Once I went in to ask if they had Romy & Michele's High School Reunion and the girl behind the counter furrowed her brow and said, "Oohhhhh...I donnnow these people."
In terms of organization, they have a very simple system. Videos are against the wall, DVD's are in the center shelves. Other than that, there's not even a pretense of subdivision (action, romance, comedy, etc.). Once -- many years ago -- they made an attempt at alphabetization, but -- and seriously, I'm not making this up -- they put every single The movie under T.
So you just go in with an open mind (i.e., don't go looking for something specific, it's not there), start in one corner, and just move along until you find something acceptable. While I was doing that, the phone rang.
"[Company Name Deleted to Protect the Innocent] Video," said the girl, whom I've never seen before. The following is a transcript of her end of the conversation. I can't phoneticize it all very well, you'll just have to imagine this all done in a Washington Heights spanish accent.
"Umm...no, I don't know. Yeah, I can look it up. How you spell that? L-A-U-R...no, we don' got it. What? Um, okay, L-A-W-R...Lawrence of Arabia? Umm, lemmesseee...issout. Yeah. Tomorrow. What? No, thassout too. I know because someone just checked it out. Yeah. What? Um, okay...Chinatown. C-H-I-N...yeah, video only. I said, VIDEO ONLY. No we don' got DVD. What? How many movies you gonna make me look up? I mean, cuz, lady, I don' mean to be rude or nuthin, but like, typically people they come in here and look for their movie, you know? Okay, I'm jus' sayin. We're open until 10:30. Bye."
Then she says to me, for no particular reason, "Did you see Constantine yet?" (It opened yesterday.) "Umm, haven't had a chance yet, no," I said. "Oh my gaw, I GOTTA see that movie! I saw the trailer and I be like, daaayyyyuuumm, that looks good!" (Slate said it's "borderline incoherent, theologically unsatisfying, and short to the point of dwarfism on suspense," but I didn't share that with her.)
So then this lady comes in and she wants a movie version of Frankenstein, preferably the recent Kenneth Branaugh version. (She hasn't yet learned rule #1 about coming in with an open mind.) The girl looks in the computer. "OH, e-I-n, I thought it be like "ine," thass weird. Um, yeah, we gottit."
"Do you have the Kenneth Branaugh version?"
"Um, yeah, 1964."
"What? No, that can't be it, I think it's from the 90s or even later."
"Okay um, well, I don't know, but it says here 1964."
"Could the computer be wrong, I mean, could that be a typo?"
"I don't know." (This is said in that shrugged way where all the words run together and the consonants are omitted, so it comes out like "Iohoh.") "Lemme see if it's back there." She goes away. "Yeah, we got it."
1964 is the index number of the video.
The customer then proceeds to share that she just finished reading the book. "I'm hoping this movie version is more faithful than some of the others," she adds.
"Ooooh, I hate that, when you like, you know, see a good movie and then you read the book and you be like, 'what is this?' cuz it's all different and shit."
I felt that way after The Passion of the Christ.
Anyway, finally it's my turn. I give her my card, she looks up my number, and then I guess she feels obligated to verify my identity.
Is "Andrew" an uncommon name? Because, she stared at that screen for a couple of seconds and then literally had to sound it out. It was barely recognizable. My last name was just beyond her.
Yes, that's me, Awnderroow Mik [pause] kkyurrrreee.
Then I give her a $20. I've just gone to the ATM, it's all I have.
"You don't got change?"
I'm trying to imagine a video store at 8:00 p.m. on a Saturday night that hasn't yet done enough business to make $16.76 in change. But I guess with customer service like that, it's not such a mystery after all.
As soon as I get my job, I have two things to say: a) Cable, b) Netflixx.
Tonight I stopped in at my local crappy video store to get a movie. (I got Bring it On. It was the poo!)
Let me define "crappy." They have Godfathers 2 and 3, but not the original. Jaws 2 and 4. Steel Magnolias is on the shelf, but the video is missing (yet they leave the box on the shelf). They have four DVD copies of Soul Plane but they don't have Citizen Kane. Kubrick fan? They do have Eyes Wide Shut and 2010, which I know he didn't direct but that's as close as they get.
Once I went in to ask if they had Romy & Michele's High School Reunion and the girl behind the counter furrowed her brow and said, "Oohhhhh...I donnnow these people."
In terms of organization, they have a very simple system. Videos are against the wall, DVD's are in the center shelves. Other than that, there's not even a pretense of subdivision (action, romance, comedy, etc.). Once -- many years ago -- they made an attempt at alphabetization, but -- and seriously, I'm not making this up -- they put every single The movie under T.
So you just go in with an open mind (i.e., don't go looking for something specific, it's not there), start in one corner, and just move along until you find something acceptable. While I was doing that, the phone rang.
"[Company Name Deleted to Protect the Innocent] Video," said the girl, whom I've never seen before. The following is a transcript of her end of the conversation. I can't phoneticize it all very well, you'll just have to imagine this all done in a Washington Heights spanish accent.
"Umm...no, I don't know. Yeah, I can look it up. How you spell that? L-A-U-R...no, we don' got it. What? Um, okay, L-A-W-R...Lawrence of Arabia? Umm, lemmesseee...issout. Yeah. Tomorrow. What? No, thassout too. I know because someone just checked it out. Yeah. What? Um, okay...Chinatown. C-H-I-N...yeah, video only. I said, VIDEO ONLY. No we don' got DVD. What? How many movies you gonna make me look up? I mean, cuz, lady, I don' mean to be rude or nuthin, but like, typically people they come in here and look for their movie, you know? Okay, I'm jus' sayin. We're open until 10:30. Bye."
Then she says to me, for no particular reason, "Did you see Constantine yet?" (It opened yesterday.) "Umm, haven't had a chance yet, no," I said. "Oh my gaw, I GOTTA see that movie! I saw the trailer and I be like, daaayyyyuuumm, that looks good!" (Slate said it's "borderline incoherent, theologically unsatisfying, and short to the point of dwarfism on suspense," but I didn't share that with her.)
So then this lady comes in and she wants a movie version of Frankenstein, preferably the recent Kenneth Branaugh version. (She hasn't yet learned rule #1 about coming in with an open mind.) The girl looks in the computer. "OH, e-I-n, I thought it be like "ine," thass weird. Um, yeah, we gottit."
"Do you have the Kenneth Branaugh version?"
"Um, yeah, 1964."
"What? No, that can't be it, I think it's from the 90s or even later."
"Okay um, well, I don't know, but it says here 1964."
"Could the computer be wrong, I mean, could that be a typo?"
"I don't know." (This is said in that shrugged way where all the words run together and the consonants are omitted, so it comes out like "Iohoh.") "Lemme see if it's back there." She goes away. "Yeah, we got it."
1964 is the index number of the video.
The customer then proceeds to share that she just finished reading the book. "I'm hoping this movie version is more faithful than some of the others," she adds.
"Ooooh, I hate that, when you like, you know, see a good movie and then you read the book and you be like, 'what is this?' cuz it's all different and shit."
I felt that way after The Passion of the Christ.
Anyway, finally it's my turn. I give her my card, she looks up my number, and then I guess she feels obligated to verify my identity.
Is "Andrew" an uncommon name? Because, she stared at that screen for a couple of seconds and then literally had to sound it out. It was barely recognizable. My last name was just beyond her.
Yes, that's me, Awnderroow Mik [pause] kkyurrrreee.
Then I give her a $20. I've just gone to the ATM, it's all I have.
"You don't got change?"
I'm trying to imagine a video store at 8:00 p.m. on a Saturday night that hasn't yet done enough business to make $16.76 in change. But I guess with customer service like that, it's not such a mystery after all.
As soon as I get my job, I have two things to say: a) Cable, b) Netflixx.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
The Gates
Below you'll find some snapshots I took today while strolling through Central Park to look at the temporary art installation, "The Gates" by Christo. (Click to enlarge.)
I have to say I wasn't really blown away by it. I think the real problem is that for some reason, they picked the absolute ugliest time of year for Central Park...everything is dead and brown; even what's green isn't especially vibrant right now. A few weeks from now, the grass will be a buzzing yellow green and there will be brilliant flowers everywhere. In the late summer, the park is a rich, deep, dark green. The "saffron" gates might look better mixed in with fall colors, too.
I'm not really keen on a color I can only describe as "detour orange." Basically I felt as if the park looked like it was under construction. But hey, if you're going to spend $21 million, hurray for spending it on a public art installation. The Gates are so popular, maybe they can be persuaded to do it again sometime when the weather is better.
I have to say I wasn't really blown away by it. I think the real problem is that for some reason, they picked the absolute ugliest time of year for Central Park...everything is dead and brown; even what's green isn't especially vibrant right now. A few weeks from now, the grass will be a buzzing yellow green and there will be brilliant flowers everywhere. In the late summer, the park is a rich, deep, dark green. The "saffron" gates might look better mixed in with fall colors, too.
I'm not really keen on a color I can only describe as "detour orange." Basically I felt as if the park looked like it was under construction. But hey, if you're going to spend $21 million, hurray for spending it on a public art installation. The Gates are so popular, maybe they can be persuaded to do it again sometime when the weather is better.
Cardinals are my favorite birds, their song is unbelievably pure and sweet. This little fella just hopped right up to me. He said he wasn't that impressed with the Gates, either.
One Small Bone to Pick
I'm tired of taking surveys and filling out forms where they ask you about marital status. Here are your options:
- Single
- Married
- Divorced/Separated
In fairness, I demand another option: "Legally prohibited from being married."
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Fabulous Time Wasting Device
Bored?
Try your hand at the Belief-O-Matic™ and find out what religion you are! (Thanks to Thunder Jones for posting it on his site.)
Here are Andy's results:
100% Orthodox Quaker
88% Mainline to liberal Christian Protestant
77% Unitarian Universalist
74% Buddhist
I'm only 60% Catholic, which isn't a surprise since I have issues with doctrine. I'm also half-pagan, apparently...which is fine. Nothing wrong with a little nature-worship.
Of course, all of my friends are going to come up orthodox atheists.
Try your hand at the Belief-O-Matic™ and find out what religion you are! (Thanks to Thunder Jones for posting it on his site.)
Here are Andy's results:
100% Orthodox Quaker
88% Mainline to liberal Christian Protestant
77% Unitarian Universalist
74% Buddhist
I'm only 60% Catholic, which isn't a surprise since I have issues with doctrine. I'm also half-pagan, apparently...which is fine. Nothing wrong with a little nature-worship.
Of course, all of my friends are going to come up orthodox atheists.
Notes to Myself
When I got home last night, I saw that I had left a bag of Kokuho Rose rice on the dining room table, and I thought, "Well, given the recent mouse issues, I guess I shouldn't leave that out."
So I go to pick up the bag, and a mouse fell out of a hole in the bottom of it along with a lot of rice.
(Note to self: add "rice" to shopping list.)
The mouse leaped off the table and disappeared through a tiny hole in the floor where the heating pipe comes through. (Note to self: add "steel wool" to shopping list.)
I held the rice bag upside down so I wouldn't spill anymore and dropped it in a plastic grocery sack and threw it in the garbage. I tied it closed to prevent spillage. I went to bed.
About 20 minutes later I hear a rustling from the kitchen. I go back to see what's going on now.
Inside the plastic bag with the rice, there is another mouse.
Now, I have valiantly saved the lives of a quite a few mice by capturing them in my humane trap and relocating them to the park. But it was 1:00 in the morning and I was tired and mad. So...down the garbage chute the bag went. I felt guilty about throwing him in the garbage, but consoled myself with the hope that he'll gnaw his way out of the plastic bag and escape before the super throws it into the incinerator. That is, if he survived the four-story fall.
So I go to pick up the bag, and a mouse fell out of a hole in the bottom of it along with a lot of rice.
(Note to self: add "rice" to shopping list.)
The mouse leaped off the table and disappeared through a tiny hole in the floor where the heating pipe comes through. (Note to self: add "steel wool" to shopping list.)
I held the rice bag upside down so I wouldn't spill anymore and dropped it in a plastic grocery sack and threw it in the garbage. I tied it closed to prevent spillage. I went to bed.
About 20 minutes later I hear a rustling from the kitchen. I go back to see what's going on now.
Inside the plastic bag with the rice, there is another mouse.
Now, I have valiantly saved the lives of a quite a few mice by capturing them in my humane trap and relocating them to the park. But it was 1:00 in the morning and I was tired and mad. So...down the garbage chute the bag went. I felt guilty about throwing him in the garbage, but consoled myself with the hope that he'll gnaw his way out of the plastic bag and escape before the super throws it into the incinerator. That is, if he survived the four-story fall.
On This Day in Middle Earth
The Fellowship departs Lorien. Gollum watches from hiding on the west bank.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Will Medicare cover Viagra for Missile Defense?
Donald Rumsfeld couldn't get his rocket up. Again.
This past Sunday, the Pentagon tried to test its missile defense system, aka "Star Wars." The basic principle is the theory that a missile launched by the U.S. could hit and destroy an enemy missile heading in our direction.
As in the previous test in December, the interceptor rocket failed to launch.
There have now been 10 tests of the system. Five were considered "successes," even though in those cases the interceptor rockets were programmed with the trajectories of their targets. The last three tests in a row have failed.
The system also reportedly doesn't work in cloudy weather.
So assuming North Korea, or perhaps China, launches eight missiles or less (the number of interceptor rockets we have in place) on a sunny day and provides us with the rockets' itineraries in advance, we can hope to knock out half of them.
Better check with Ned Flanders and see if he's got room for you in his shelterini.
Each test costs approximately $85 million. Funding for the program over the next five years is estimated at $50 billion.
What an enormous waste of money. The program is impotent against terrorist threats; it's highly, highly unlikely that a terrorist organization could get its hands on and successfully launch a long-range ballistic missile. Even if they could get a nuclear or conventional warhead on a missile, it's more likely to be a smaller, short-range rocket that theoretically might be launched from a boat just off the U.S. coast. Our interceptor could never get there in time.
Publicly and repeatedly demonstrating its dysfunction calls into question its effectiveness as a tool of deterrence, as well.
Simply put, given the likelihood of an intercontinental missile attack on the U.S. (right now, slim) and the fact that many experts doubt the concept could ever work, we should be directing our financial and technical resources to more immediate threats, such as finding ways to defend nuclear and chemical plants and other parts of the infrastructure from terrorist attacks.
This past Sunday, the Pentagon tried to test its missile defense system, aka "Star Wars." The basic principle is the theory that a missile launched by the U.S. could hit and destroy an enemy missile heading in our direction.
As in the previous test in December, the interceptor rocket failed to launch.
There have now been 10 tests of the system. Five were considered "successes," even though in those cases the interceptor rockets were programmed with the trajectories of their targets. The last three tests in a row have failed.
The system also reportedly doesn't work in cloudy weather.
So assuming North Korea, or perhaps China, launches eight missiles or less (the number of interceptor rockets we have in place) on a sunny day and provides us with the rockets' itineraries in advance, we can hope to knock out half of them.
Better check with Ned Flanders and see if he's got room for you in his shelterini.
Each test costs approximately $85 million. Funding for the program over the next five years is estimated at $50 billion.
What an enormous waste of money. The program is impotent against terrorist threats; it's highly, highly unlikely that a terrorist organization could get its hands on and successfully launch a long-range ballistic missile. Even if they could get a nuclear or conventional warhead on a missile, it's more likely to be a smaller, short-range rocket that theoretically might be launched from a boat just off the U.S. coast. Our interceptor could never get there in time.
Publicly and repeatedly demonstrating its dysfunction calls into question its effectiveness as a tool of deterrence, as well.
Simply put, given the likelihood of an intercontinental missile attack on the U.S. (right now, slim) and the fact that many experts doubt the concept could ever work, we should be directing our financial and technical resources to more immediate threats, such as finding ways to defend nuclear and chemical plants and other parts of the infrastructure from terrorist attacks.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Valentine's Day Special
To all you single-types out there, here's my Valentine's Day mantra: "Sempre libera!" It's Italian for always free (and I'm not talking about my low price) and it's Violetta's famous Act I cabaletta from La Traviata by Giuseppe Verdi. I haven't counted, but I suspect I have more recordings of this aria than any other. (Any other aria, I mean, not any other gay man.)
June Anderson: live concert with Alfredo Kraus at the Paris Opera -- he sings Alfredo's lines onstage so they are disconcertingly loud. Plus he was 400 years old at the time. Above a Bb she doesn't wobble, but that's because it's a straight-tone.
Montserrat Caballe: One of my favorites, even if she didn't have an Eb. The Db's -- the first stunningly floated, the second exhilaratingly full -- and the perfect pacing make up for not cutting the second verse of "Ah! fors'e lui."
Maria Callas: Live in Lisbon, grainy sound, but true Callas. The Eb can only be described as "determined."
Ileana Cotrubas: A hair light for my taste, but it's not like I could do any better. Always extra credit for an Eb.
Renee Fleming: It's a pretty good high C.
Mirella Freni: She sang the CRAP out of the rest of the role, give her a break.
Monika Krause: You can actually hear her cords shredding.
Nellie Melba: Self-indulgent.
Anna Moffo (La Bellissima recital disc): Brilliant.
Anna Moffo (complete RCA recording): Not so libera.
Jennifer Rouse: Live in concert with the Zurich Opera; breathtakingly fast, but she nails it and tops it off with a flawless, spinning Eb. The crowd goes wild.
Renata Scotto, first recording (DG): Pretty much perfection.
Beverly Sills: technically perfect, yet oddly (for her) lacks the necessary sense of abandon. Deliberate.
Cheryl Studer: Not as funny as her "Una voce poco fa."
Joan Sutherland: Thuppralubbera.
Kiri te Kanawa: You didn't think she could do it!
Carol Vaness: I blame the conductor.
Virginia Zeani: The ideal voice for this role; recording was made past her prime so the coloratura is a bit muddy, but her diction and colors are phenomenal.
June Anderson: live concert with Alfredo Kraus at the Paris Opera -- he sings Alfredo's lines onstage so they are disconcertingly loud. Plus he was 400 years old at the time. Above a Bb she doesn't wobble, but that's because it's a straight-tone.
Montserrat Caballe: One of my favorites, even if she didn't have an Eb. The Db's -- the first stunningly floated, the second exhilaratingly full -- and the perfect pacing make up for not cutting the second verse of "Ah! fors'e lui."
Maria Callas: Live in Lisbon, grainy sound, but true Callas. The Eb can only be described as "determined."
Ileana Cotrubas: A hair light for my taste, but it's not like I could do any better. Always extra credit for an Eb.
Renee Fleming: It's a pretty good high C.
Mirella Freni: She sang the CRAP out of the rest of the role, give her a break.
Monika Krause: You can actually hear her cords shredding.
Nellie Melba: Self-indulgent.
Anna Moffo (La Bellissima recital disc): Brilliant.
Anna Moffo (complete RCA recording): Not so libera.
Jennifer Rouse: Live in concert with the Zurich Opera; breathtakingly fast, but she nails it and tops it off with a flawless, spinning Eb. The crowd goes wild.
Renata Scotto, first recording (DG): Pretty much perfection.
Beverly Sills: technically perfect, yet oddly (for her) lacks the necessary sense of abandon. Deliberate.
Cheryl Studer: Not as funny as her "Una voce poco fa."
Joan Sutherland: Thuppralubbera.
Kiri te Kanawa: You didn't think she could do it!
Carol Vaness: I blame the conductor.
Virginia Zeani: The ideal voice for this role; recording was made past her prime so the coloratura is a bit muddy, but her diction and colors are phenomenal.
Selling Social Security
Over the past couple of weeks I've written a few things about the current Social Security debate which have generated more commentary than what I usually get. I'm grateful not only for the readership, but also for the responses, from which I've learned quite a lot -- not necessarily about Social Security, but about our perceptions of it.
The Democratic leadership is right on this, but we're at risk of losing the public relations war. One of the recurring criticisms is that it's a partisan agenda motivated primarily by our distaste for anything generated by this administration.
The party is, and should be, opposed to privatizing Social Security, but the most important point to make is not our opposition, but rather that Bush's plan cannot do what he claims it will. That's really the issue here.
We should embrace the ideals that President Bush and other conservatives are putting forward. We should encourage people to plan for their own retirement. (Reducing and eliminating the portions of the population who live paycheck to paycheck and have nothing left over with which to save or invest should be a priority.) We should find ways to encourage small-scale private investment. We should emphasize personal responsibility and fiscal discipline, even if we can't point to role models in the government. All of this, however, should be over and above our commitment to the current program.
The Democratic leadership is right on this, but we're at risk of losing the public relations war. One of the recurring criticisms is that it's a partisan agenda motivated primarily by our distaste for anything generated by this administration.
The party is, and should be, opposed to privatizing Social Security, but the most important point to make is not our opposition, but rather that Bush's plan cannot do what he claims it will. That's really the issue here.
We should embrace the ideals that President Bush and other conservatives are putting forward. We should encourage people to plan for their own retirement. (Reducing and eliminating the portions of the population who live paycheck to paycheck and have nothing left over with which to save or invest should be a priority.) We should find ways to encourage small-scale private investment. We should emphasize personal responsibility and fiscal discipline, even if we can't point to role models in the government. All of this, however, should be over and above our commitment to the current program.
- Bush's plan is fantastically expensive and financially unsound. No financial advisor would tell you to take out a loan to invest in the stock market or to purchase stocks on credit and hope that you make enough money not only to profit but to pay back the loan and its interest. But that is exactly what Bush intends to do; in a time of record debt, he proposes borrowing trillions (by some estimates, the cost could total $15 trillion over 30 years) to pay for the transition.
- It doesn't solve the shortfall. The White House's own analysts admit that the Bush plan will have no effect on the shortfall which is anticipated around the year 2042.
- Guaranteed Risk. Right now from the time you retire until the day you die, you can count on a guaranteed dollar amount each month and certain benefits. Under the Bush plan, your personal account would have to see sustained growth at better than 3% in order for you to do better than the current system. If there was a recession or depression, you stand the risk of having significantly less to draw on.
- Limited. Once you stop working, you stop diverting into your personal account. Whatever you've invested is all you have. It's up to you to make that resource last the rest of your life.
- Where do you invest? A recent letter in the New York Times pointed out, "If President Bush's Social Security plan were in effect in the late 1940's, when I was starting my career, prudence would have guided me to invest in corporations like Anaconda Copper Mining, the Pennsylvania Railroad, the New York Central Railroad, R.C.A. and Pan American Airways - all of them giants of their day. And what kind of retirement would they have provided me?" Enron, also, would have looked like a solid investment.
- Reduction of Benefits. Bush wants to tie Social Security benefits to the cost of living index, which according to experts on both sides of the debate "would significantly lower guaranteed benefits."
- Flawed Analysis. Using a worst-case scenario projection, Bush foresees a multi-billion dollar shortfall in the Social Security budget around the year 2042. Such an outcome is entirely possible. However, if you apply his own plan to the same forecasts, retirees come out significantly better under the current system, even if it is unchanged. Bush uses a very optimistic vision of economic recovery to promote