Andy Gets Hoodwinked

Oops. Got forwarded a "news" article at work and failed to detect that it was satire until after I'd written the post below. But having thought about it, most of what I responded to still holds. The scariest part of the satire is that given all the idiotic things Pat Robertson has said over the years, the story was utterly plausible; furthermore, there really are "Christians" out there -- Pat Robertson among them -- who seek to explain natural catastrophes by claiming divine retribution.

This just in: Pat Robertson announced that Hurricane Katrina was God’s way of expressing His anger at the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences for its selection of Ellen Degeneres to host this year’s Emmy Awards.

My first reaction was to laugh and shake my head a bit. Oh, that crazy Robertson! What a kook! Please, what he says is irrelevant, right? I mean, it's not like after the last fiasco the U.S. actually went and assassinated Hugo Chavez. Just the harmless babblings of a deranged idiot.

Then I remembered that Robertson's "Operation Blessing" was one of the first groups given government funds for post-Katrina relief work. That's right, George Bush sent Pat Robertson your money.

“Is it any surprise that the Almighty chose to strike at Miss Degeneres’ hometown?” asked Roberts.

Okay, I know I've said in the past that anthropomorphizing God -- saying, "if I were God, I wouldn't have done that" -- is terrible theology. Fine. But since the subject is Pat Robertson, this entire post is about terrible theology. So indulge me.

Yes, Pat, actually it does come as something of a surprise to me, assuming what you say is true.

You're telling me that He's mad at a Hollywood-based organization and so He struck at the hometown of a lesbian who's been invited to host an annual awards ceremony? So, if they'd invited me, for example, He would have Gomorrahed Bellevue, Washington? Interesting. The selection of Ellen so infuriated God that not only did he destroy New Orleans, but trashed everything between there and Biloxi for good measure.

See, if I were God, I might have just stuck with the tried and true and smote Ellen with a thunderbolt and knocked down the Academy in an earthquake. Why does God have to drown 400+ stranded, destitute African-Americans to make a point about sexual deviance? It doesn't make a lot of sense to me to kill innocent people who are unconnected with the issues that anger you. That's what terrorists do. My God is not a terrorist, but apparently yours is.

And you drove that point home by saying, “This is the second time in a row that God has invoked a disaster shortly before lesbian Ellen Degeneres hosted the Emmy Awards,” referring of course to the September 11 attacks that occurred before Ms. Degeneres hosted the 2001 Emmys. (Actually, I suspect it was God's way of warning Ellen not to wear this dress.)

Pat Robertson has thrown out 2,000 years of good, solid theology (not to mention millennia of science) and taken us back to ancient Greece, where citizens attributed all tragedies to acts of divine displeasure. Pat...have you read the Bible lately?

But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. (Matthew 5:44-45)

Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans, because they suffered thus? I tell you, No; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish. Or those eighteen upon whom the tower in Silo'am fell and killed them, do you think that they were worse offenders than all the others who dwelt in Jerusalem? I tell you, no. (Luke 13:2-5)

To be fair, Robertson was careful to point out that God is okay with homosexuals, as long as they stay where they belong: on Broadway. “God already allows one awards show to promote the homosexual agenda. But clearly He will not tolerate such sinful behavior to spread beyond the Tonys.”