Now Hear This

Dear President Bush,

I understand that you've been compiling a database of phonecalls made in the United States since 9/11 in order to better protect us from terrorists.

I want to sincerely thank you for your dedication to the cause of the War on Terror. It is the rare President who is so focused on eliminating the threats to our freedom that he is willing to disregard the law at every step and repeatedly deny and lie about it in order to protect me. I am really flattered.

Now, I don't use the telephone very much. I really dislike the thing. (Just ask my mother how often I answer.) Usually I make 5-second calls to friends to say "I'm late" or "I need a drink, meet me at Therapy." Because of this, you may have difficulty compiling an accurate picture of my patriotism based on my phone bill. So let me help you.

I think you are a complete and total jackass. Recently, another blogger asked me to say three nice things about you, and I couldn't do it. About the nicest thing I could write is that I hope you really are as stupid as you appear to be, because then you might be sincere. Only someone with no brains at all (which I believe accurately describes roughly 31% of Americans) could actually believe the crap you've been telling us for the last five years.

This does not mean I am not patriotic; on the contrary, despite all your "optimistic" rhetoric about promoting democracy in the world, you are clearly a fascist theocrat. You wouldn't know a democracy if it came up and impeached you on the ass. To me, loving America is more than waving a flag and posting a "support the troops" bumper sticker on the back of the Chevrolet I don't own. It's about really believing in the vision of freedom and equality that the Founding Fathers established: freedom that gives me the right to say I think you are a shameful blight on this nation's reputation.

You know this country has reached a sad state of affairs when the oppressive radical Islamic regime in Tehran is more open to diplomacy than we are; I am appalled that Iran is in a position to give you a Sunday School lesson you sorely need. Who would Jesus use "tactical" nuclear weapons on?

The Hall of the Great Council in the Palazzo Ducale in Venice contains portraits of every Doge in the Republic's history in chronological order, except for Marin Falier, who was executed for treason. His portrait is permanently covered with a black veil. It is my hope that history will come to regard you with equal contempt.

Sincerely,
The Last Debater

PS: I am a homosexual, you probably want that for your file, too. Jerk.