Etiquette

I've been reading the June 26th edition of New York magazine, featuring the first edition of the (presumably annual) "Urban Etiquette Handbook."

Two ideas spring immediately to mind: one, I'm going to write them and urge them to reproduce this as a brochure that I can hand out, and two, thank God someone has finally recognized that New Yorkers need not just a refresher course, but an actual introduction to basic etiquette.

New Yorkers pride themselves on their worldly sophistication. We use words like "zeitgeist" and "postmodern" and "Orwellian" and "fennel." We have Carnegie Hall, the Guggenheim, and the Waldorf-Astoria. New York is iconic, romantic. Woody Allen didn't make Minneapolis Murder Mystery. Would Miracle on La Cienega have been as charming? Autumn in Reno? Home Alone 2: Lost in Kenosha? Imagine if King Kong had gotten loose in Cawker City, Kansas and scaled the world's largest ball of twine, instead.

But New Yorkers are rude. Well, maybe "rude" is not the right word. Tourists always comment that they are surprised to discover how nice we are, but that's because they sort of expect our response to "Where's the Statue of Liberty?" to be "Fuck you, you fuckin' fuck," as we rob them at knifepoint. We're actually quite gracious to out of towners.

So, I guess I wouldn't say rude so much as pathologically insensitive.

I was delighted to see that the article included special sections on "Subway Decorum" and sidewalk behavior, though they left a few of the worst behaviors out.

On the subways: you people who ride nonchalantly just inside the doors, refusing to move fully into the car, inhibiting the movement of people entering and exiting the train, have forfeited the right to look irritated by people who dare to try to get on or off. An SUV-sized stroller with cupholder and luggage rack is not an exemption that allows you to stand here. If your stroller does not fit on the subway, you need to take the hint, pal. And why is your baby commuting at rush hour?

If I can hear your iPod over my iPod, yours is too loud.

If your child is too young to walk up the stairs in the station by themselves, just pick them up and carry them.

The poles on subway cars are for people to hold on to for safety, not for your child to swing around in circles in youthful disregard of passengers coming and going from the train.

On those older trains (A, C and E) that just have benches instead of clearly marked seats, sit as close as possible to the next person without actually touching them, especially at rush hour. While we'd all prefer to have a foot between ourselves and a perfect stranger, you're preventing probably four people at least from sitting down.

I've already blogged about sidewalk etiquette, but I was disappointed that New York says strollers always get the right of way. I would say people on the sidewalk need to watch out for strollers, but saying they have the right of way is like saying a station wagon can drive over the dotted line on a two-lane road and ignore stop signs just because there's a brat in the backseat. Strollers belong on the far side of the sidewalk by the building wall.

Also I take exception to the repeated admonitions New York makes against ogling women. The current urban fashion is to swell to, shall we say, Rubenesque proportions and then wear jeans and a t-shirt that would be tight even on Kate Moss. Yell at me for supporting a double-standard, but I'd say don't ogle a woman in a floral-print dress that goes below the knees with a lace collar. If a woman's pants are so tight that you can tell whether she's recently waxed or not, ogle away.

Overall, though, the article provides helpful answers to many dilemmas: When can you get together with your friend's ex? (Never.) Is it okay to smoke pot at a party? (Yes, pot is "a public good that belongs to all people, like radio airwaves and national parks.") How do you get a stranger to stop talking to you on the subway? (Pretend to fall asleep or die.)

There is one question I wish they'd answered, though. Is it appropriate to blog about an article from a magazine that came to your office for a deceased former employee?