So, somehow I got talked into going to the Lower East Side for happy hour tonight. (My dear sweet friend Duke, whom I've known for 14 years, was guest-bartending.) It's hard to imagine New York City as "remote," but let me tell you, the netherworld between the JMZ and FV trains is as isolated as a Saharan oasis.
Anyway, it was great to see Duke and many friends, a few of whom are bloggers.
Around 8:30 I took off to come home and feed my (very angry) kittens. I got on the F at Houston (that's HOW-stun, for you rubes) and only needed to go two stops to West 4th to get on my home-bound train. As soon as I sat down, I realized I was in for a show.
A tall, overweight man was yelling into the corner of the train at an empty set of seats.
"You think I'm fucking scared of you? Huh? You think I'm fucking scaaaared of you? Well, you're fucking right, you're a scary, scary dangerous person. Yeah you, asshole."
Did I mention he was yelling at an empty bench?
At Broadway/Lafayette he turned in my direction and headed toward the open doors. I could see that the front of his trousers were stained with urine. At least he was getting off...
...oh, hold that thought, the doors closed and he was still on the train.
"Yeah, I see you, motherfucker, I see you looking at me. You're a scary, dangerous man. I know you're armed, I see that fucking gun, asshole. If I were smart, I'd have gotten off this train, but I guess I'm not, eh? So go ahead. Fucking shoot me, dickwad. Shoot me, asshole, I guess I'm fucking begging for it. Do it. Waste me, asshole."
Then he threw up all over himself.
At this point we were at West 4th, so I got out. He stayed on.
The End.
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7 comments:
My guess is that the guy was just trying to get a whole section of the subway to himself.
Have you since considered using this technique to avoid sitting with other passengers?
I love crazy train stories!!
My favorite crazy guy story happened on a downtown A train. There were probably about 10 of us on the train, and this very large homeless man enters the train. After the doors shut at 125th street (going express so he has lots of time) he makes a big production of pulling a plastic grocery bag out of his pocket, which he then neatly and carefully opens and arranges on an empty bench. Then he unzips and pees into the bag. The entire train was incredulous, but no one said a word of course. When he finished, he neatly picks up the bag, ties it shut at the top, and put it back into his pocket. Then he walked into another car. None of the rest of us were sure whether to laugh or be grossed out, so we did a little of both.
::sigh:: I miss NYC.
Mine tops them all - Going from Brooklyn to midtown on the #4 express, I think, a homeless man dropped trousers and took a dump while in the long stretch under the river. Fortunately he neatly laid out newspapers, wiped with other newspapers, then balled everything up and put it under the seat. He emptied the car very quickly.
Shouting at an "empty" seat? Heh. NYC is filled with ghosts, both living and dead.
rob@egoz.org
Jeez, so now we don't even get invited to public places? Wonderful.
My favorite line from this post: "that's HOW-stun, for you rubes." Very nice! :)
Public transportation on the west coast is so boring... but we did see a guy taking a dump in an alley in Seattle once, right near an entrance to a restaurant that we still can't make ourselves try.
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