Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The A-ha Moment

Blah.

Lately I've not been in a super good mood. I feel restless, irritable, unfocused. I find it impossible to concentrate. Everything is depressing.

I've been trying to write a blogpost. Start. Stop. Read. Delete. Start over. Repeat. Something about America and its self-destructive inability to see the real issues affecting it, the willful denial that our problems are largely self-made.

Normally writing and thinking come easily to me. What is my problem? I keep asking myself.

This afternoon, while I was on my knees at work, where I've been for 16 months without a raise, scrubbing goo off someone else's file cabinet, I thought: I have a master's degree. What the FUCK am I doing?

As Carrie Bradshaw said in the episode starring Jon Bon Jovi, "I believe in therapy this moment is called the breakthrough."

24 comments:

Jade said...

It's good to have those breakthrough moments of clarity - I hope you can take the time to answer your question!

Brechi said...

Aw, hey cutie. Just give yourself a break and write something light and ridiculous, like I usually do. ;)

Trickish Knave said...

Good. You've taken your first step into a larger world. - Obi Wan Kenobi

Jeff said...

You'll find your way to where you need to be eventually. At least you're aware of your unhappiness.

Jess said...

I know that taking this job was important for some reasons, but it sounds like it's not fulfilling. Think it's time to look for something new? (Sounds like you're heading that way.)

little-cicero said...

"Lately I've not been in a super good mood. I feel restless, irritable, unfocused. I find it impossible to concentrate. Everything is depressing."

Male Menopause?
:P

I'm sorry to hear this. Do you suppose that there might be anything you love to do (I mean REALLY LOVE) that you're missing out on? I won't futilly attempt to define whether it's a relationship or singing or some other hobby, but it seems to me that it only becomes obviously apparent what brings us happiness in life when we find ourselves without it. It may be something you've never even known- or it may be something you've gone a long while without knowing.

I know- precocious little old me trying to give "wisdom" to elders. I know it's not my place, but I don't guess it hurts much.

little-cicero said...

Then again, Jeff is probably right. Get a new job! Surely there's some way to make a difference in the world through a profitable organization that can put Fancy-Feast in Starbuck and Rocky's dishes. It's not enough for your organization to make a difference- the human ego is such that you have to know that YOU are making a difference.

little-cicero said...

Oops, that's jess.

kr pdx said...

Ooo! Do I get to be the evil capitalist instead of LC??

What about that pays a lot more job where they "couldn't live without you" but you felt like you didn't do anything all day? Hardly fulfilling, but perhaps not a bad break for a year or two ;).

[And look, I can also inappropriately(?) suggest specific ideas when LC refrained(!):] Church cantoring? Opera? Musicals? (Might need to relocate out of NYC, I suppose, because undoubtably it is hard to make a living that way, so you might as well live somewhere you hate less--or at least hate less often ;) --that might be cheaper.)

Of course my Director's heart wishes it were realistic that you could suddenly break into (paid) acting, because, you know, when someone can actually ACT and so many "actors" can't ... well. And as an added bonus, you can also actually be HEARD onstage! (Of course, my Stifled Actor's heart would be Ever So Envious ... ;).)

Andy said...

The thing is...I went for a highly specialized degree. And I had my heart set on that particular career. I always knew there was a possibility -- nay, even a probability, given the statistical success of my colleagues -- that it wouldn't work out. But I just haven't come up with any ideas about what else I'd really LIKE to do. I mean, okay, I really love the LGBT advocacy work. I do. But I'm actually not an "advocate." I replace toner cartridges, file timesheets, and clean out the refrigerator. Now, a year+ ago, that seemed like the best way for me to get my foot in the door.

But...this job doesn't really have a path "up." I've experienced enough to know I want *NOTHING* to do with human resources work in the future, blech. Anyway, in this particular position, there's nothing I could naturally be promoted to; I'd have to completely switch departments in order to get onto a career-track job (and, I'd like to), but I think perhaps they will always view me as toner-boy. (Or Goo-Boy. Which, I must add, was residue left over from packing tape used to keep the file cabinet drawers from opening while it was being moved, it wasn't any kind of suspicious goo.)

It's difficult for me, because a large part of my personal theological philosophy is patience and trusting that even though you aren't now where you think you want to be, you're on the way. And I do think that's true. But at the same time, you have to balance that -- or, perhaps, complement is the better word -- with the right kind of action. You might be on the path, but if you don't put one foot in front of the other, the path doesn't move underneath you. So right now I'm trying to get up the courage to take a step, I guess. Please pray for guidance. Thanks.

little-cicero said...

That much I can do, for all my shortcomings and limitations as a sage!

little-cicero said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
little-cicero said...

Don't you have community [music] theatre out there in Manhattan?

Or I guess you could just go to Central Park in costume and belt out operatic performances. After seeing the entertainment down there, I can tell you that the one thing missing is a good open-air Wagner.

DJRainDog said...

Well, DUH! So now, like, from one person who left his life on hold for WAY-too-farging-long to another, what're you gonna DO about it, Andypants? (I live 3 blocks from you, and there are some very nice piano settings on my Yamaha S90. Come sing in my bedroom, rattle the windows, disturb the neighbours.)

Nathan said...

Andy, you're an excellent writer and a clear thinker. Have you thought about law school? You wouldn't have to be a lawyer, if that kind of thing doesn't suit you, many important ideas and writings are done by law clerks.

As for you current job, "The view never changes unless your the lead dog." (Think iditerod racing).

You could also apply to Peace Corp. My sister-in-law was a youth activities coordinator in East Timor (before the police there got uppity for their pay). She had a wonderful time and got some good ideas about what she wanted to do.

Lots of stuff out there...lots and lots.

Andy said...

No, I definitely don't have what it takes for law school. I really can't go back to school, I owe almost $50,000 already.

I don't actually dislike what I do all that much; but it doesn't pay the bills, and I don't have a sense that it naturally leads to something that will. Argh.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with Nathan!

-Stephanie

kr pdx said...

work leads to something
+ Nathan's comment
=
surely you can garner some contacts from the people at work for freelance or employed work writing (or ghostwriting) in the advocacy field (if you want to stay in the field)? It's not like you don't have enough really good blog-material to show a prospective employer. And freelance you can start now, to explore (+pick up extra cash) while you consider your official employment.

I swear to God, the reason I come to your blog almost every day is it is just such a pleasure to read your writing. You know me, and can imagine how picky I am (and you know how judgmental I can be about artistic output). My own writing, I would NOT visit every day.

I would love to see another competent non-ironic essayist in the world--someone who believes fully in beauty and goodness :).

Carl said...

The thing that Carrie Bradshaw said that made me laugh out loud was when she asked, "Are we progressive women or are we just sluts?"

Future Geek said...

Join the military.

:-|

robert said...

just say no to depression

Jean F. said...

This post has been up here for awhile but I've been out of commision for so long I haven't been able to respond.

KR is spot on. Not many know you better than I do and I think she hit the nail on the head, so to speak. I would heed her advice and give it a try.

Jean F. said...

Oh crap... I just read my entry and realized I left an "s" out of "commission." It's my eyes -- I can even see right with my glasses on right now!

Jean F. said...

Oh crap again. I meant I "can't" even see with my glasses on...