Friday, August 18, 2006

First Time for Everything

I had a doctor's appointment this morning. Nothing's wrong, it was just time for a check-up.

They asked all the usual questions: any complaints, how's your diet, getting any exercise, etc.

Then they wanted to know about my mental health.

"Are you having any suicidal thoughts?"

Errmmmmm...well, off and on, for, you know, my entire life, yes, but I have religious convictions and don't intend to act on it.

"Okay. Any homicidal tendencies?"

And I said, "What?!?!" because actually I wasn't sure whether she'd said "homicidal" or "homosexual." Either way, it struck me as a very strange question.

"Homicidal. That means, do you ever feel like you want to kill anyone? We're required to ask."

Well...right now, you, for thinking that I didn't know what it meant, instead of understanding that I was so surprised I wasn't sure I'd heard you correctly.

And how do I answer this question? Who on earth would answer yes? I mean, no, the answer's no. Definitely not. Except on the sidewalk, at the airport or in the grocery store. But otherwise, no.

18 comments:

Gino said...

i dont mind physicals themselves.
its when the doctor notices my age, and the reaches for the fresh glove....

Andy said...

DAMN! I thought of the perfect response, only hours too late: "Only when I'm around other people."

Brechi said...

haha. for some reason that strikes me as hilariously funny. maybe i'm just in a wierd mood.

little-cicero said...

Sigh of relief.

For a second there I thought you were intending to kill Dubya!

But not only are you too Christian to kill any one- you're also too logical to kill any man who leaves Dick Cheney as the president!

DJRainDog said...

First and foremost, l-c: Bravo! That was ALMOST as clever as when you zinged me on the bi thing. ;-)

Andy: I spent this morning (from about 7.45 AM 'til about 12.15 PM) at the Department of Health's free clinic in Chelsea. (Everyone else: I'm a musician, I have no insurance, and this is the price one pays in NYC for being a BadBoy (tm).) And interestingly, the HIV test (Still neg, thanks.) counselling quesionnaire is quite similar! My counselor happened to be Asian, and his Engrish happened to be next to unintelligible (SERIOUSLY!), but blissfully, I've been through this process enough times before to know all the questions, and to tell him what to check on his computer screen. *sigh* No, if I came back poz, it would not inspire a risk of homicidal behaviour -- At least not any MORE risk of homicidal behaviour than the current government, MTA, Papacy, entertainment industry, mentality of middle-America...the list goes on...inspires in me. ;-)

Brent said...

If you answer yes to those questions do they give you some good meds? Commit you? or what?

Anthony said...

For a positive answer to the second question, they probably hand your file to the FBI or someone ...

Anyone else ever been asked these questions in a medical, or is this a first?

obliquity said...

I'm becoming of the opinion that everyone has homicidal tendencies. Well, maybe, it's just the people in the White House.

Strangely, I wonder what would happen if you told your doctor you had homicidal homosexual tendencies?

Luke said...

I have never had a physician ask me if I was suicidal or homicidal. It seems more apropriate that such things are asked in therapy...or when you come into the ER after an overdose...or after you come into the police station on charges of assault...right?

little-cicero said...

I would have reservations about admitting that I was having such thoughts, but really a physicians confidence is as sacred as a psychologist's. I wouldn't, however, expect a doctor to ask about suicidal or homocidal thoughts unless if you were under some sort of medication.

Jess said...

Have some fun with them next time...

"No, not at all, but the neighbor's dog keeps telling me to go out and kill people. That dog is driving me crazy!"

That should keep them busy for a while! ;)

little-cicero said...

BTW: Is it wrong of me to have homocidal thoughts about killing Ahmadinjad or Bin Laden? Doing so with a butter knife? I think that's rather sane actually.

Andy said...

Homocide?

Time said...

Ya, LC is unaware of how big a bigot he is, it just slips out.

Aethlos said...

LOLOLOL!!! but are you serious? what kind of doctor visit is this? some doctors in your corporation? this wasn't a psych office? or a psychiatric nurse/worker? Are you on probation or something? I've never been asked that in my life... :P

little-cicero said...

No that was not a Freudian slip, it was actually a perfect example of why SPELLING MATTERS! Holy smokes, I'm gonna get myself lynched one of these days from a spelling error!

By the way, if I have any such disposition it would be gay-bashericide, as I would much rather kill a gay-basher than a gay person, unless if that gay person was Osama Bin Laden (Come on, let's face it- who is more of a homophobe than Osama. And we all know how homophobes can tend to be latently homosexual).

little-cicero said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
kr pdx said...

I think I had to answer those questions the last time I was seen at a conventional medical practice ... but I was in for pregnancy, not a general workup, so don't know if that medical organization always asks those.

Actually, LC, at least in some states, if you say that you are homicidal, your shrink, or a variety of other healthcare/counseling professionals, is (are) required to tell law enforcement, at least in some defined cases.

Being suicidal and homicidal are legitimate medical indicators (for depression and a host of other now theoretically "controllable" conditions) ... and might prompt a referral to a psychiatrist for evaluation to make sure one isn't mentally ill (as opposed to Sick of the City, which I'm sure isn't quite a medical diagnosis ... yet ;) ). (Question: what should a doctor prescribe for SOTC? The frequent references to over-the-counter Hard Alcohol by NYC bloggers suggest an answer ... . )

(Hey, Andy, did you know that someone can be deeply depressed and NOT suicidal? 'Recently talked to an old friend who was shocked that I had ever been suicidal ... while I was shocked that he hadn't been.)

What I love at medical offices are the legally required assurances that everything is confidential ... as if anything anywhere is truly confidential nowadays. Pff.

DJRD, I don't know how exacting those clinic questions are about things that can get one arrested, but wowsa, it's just about impossible to fill out a pregnancy questionaire honestly without exposing some illegal behavior! The questions come in "Now," "Last 6 months," "Last 10 years," and a few "Ever"s ... Although I have lived a pretty darn clean life, we had a brief confusion the first pregnancy when the midwife asked if I had any current addictions, and I said "Coke" ;).