Monday, October 22, 2007

The 200 Gram Spleen is Grossly Unremarkable

Have you ever read a coroner's report?

I hadn't, until Slacktivist linked to one. Recently he's been exploring the roots of anti-gayness among conservative Christians, with a special post devoted to the astonishing frequency of gay and/or kinky conservative Christian gay-bashers. (See Haggard, Ted; Craig, Larry; Foley, Mark, et al.)

There was one whose sad recent demise had passed below my radar: one Reverend Gary Aldridge of Alabama, a former aide to Jerry Falwell. Rev. Aldridge died of asphyxiation. Specifically, an autoerotic asphyxia mishap.

Aldridge "was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask, according to an autopsy report." Whatever happened to slipping into something more comfortable?

Oh, and, incidentally, according to the coroner, "There [was] a dildo in the anus covered with a condom." Well, you know, kudos to him for playing safe.

Reading the report, however, I am really relieved that I will not be around to read my own. I think this is just further evidence of the American Idolization of our culture, that we think it's okay to go around evaluating people according to our own shallow preferences and then pontificating ad nauseum about it. I mean, seriously: "The normocephalic head is covered by brown hair. There is frontal balding." Really? I mean, the man was found dead inside two diving suits with a dildo in his butt, as if that isn't mortifying enough, and you have to go pointing out his "frontal balding"?

"The genitalia are normal adult male external genitalia." Well, at least they're not grossly unremarkable.

Just remember, you can't take it with you: "Personal Effects: One yellow metal ring intact on left ring finger; one dildo."


K-Lyn said...

Ah, makes me miss my days as an analyst for life insurance claims. Nothing like perusing a good autopsy over lunch...

Of course our policies didn't pay out on autoerotic asphyxia since they were considered self-inflicted. Now that is fun to discuss with a beneficiary.

But it was all in days work.

Gino said...

it would have been less embarassing if he stretched that condom over his head and asphyxiated that way.

seriously, though...
this should not have been made public.
even the quirkies deserve some dignity in death.

Jess said...

In my county days, I went through a lot of autopsy reports. And yes, they often refer to the genitalia (as well as lots of other parts) as "unremarkable," so I'm surprised they didn't in this guy's case. Maybe they figured it was bad enough already!

Seriously, and I'm sure you realize this, it just means there's nothing noteworthy from a forensic point of view. They're never going to write, "Damn, look at the size of that thing! I bet he got a lot!" (Sorry, Pony.) Neither will they write, "needledick syndrome noted."

Jade said...

It seems like autopsy reports should be private, doesn't it? I mean, it's sort of a patient/doctor thing.

Gino - you can stretch a condom over your head?