Wednesday, July 05, 2006

There Goes the Last Lingering Thread of My Heterosexuality

It's a good thing I learned touch-typing in junior high, because I'm now blind.

[Warning: the following true story may be inappropriate for viewing by younger readers.]

So today on my way home from work, I get on the A train at Broadway-Nassau. Usually there are seats available, but they all get taken before we get to the next stop, Chambers Street. Today there were still seats.

A very, very obese woman wearing only a t-shirt -- not even shoes! -- gets on, and sits directly across from me and opens a large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

And I mean, ONLY a t-shirt. Helllp! She started up a conversation with a petite woman standing near her.

Big Lady: You work out a lot?

Small Lady: (politely, as if she didn't hear) Excuse me?

Big Lady: You exercise a lot? You so skinny.

Small Lady: Oh, well, thank you...actually, I just had a baby.

Big Lady: For reals? How much you weigh?

Small Lady: Uhhh...116?

Big Lady: How much weight did you gain with the baby?

Small Lady: Oh, about 35 pounds.

Big Lady: Wow. I gained 100 pounds. This is the fattest I've ever been.

Small Lady: (as we pull into West 4th) Okay, well, this is my stop.

Somehow I suspect it really wasn't her stop. West 4th is a busy station, so there was a pretty big shuffling and rearranging of passengers. Two stylish young Japanese tourist women end up next to me. Now, it's been many years since I had to use my Japanese, but I think I got the gist of the conversation.

Girl 1: Oh my God, don't look now, but I can totally see that woman's hoo-ha.

Girl 2: No way, which woman?

Girl 1: That big lady, right there.

Girl 2: Oh my God!

Girl 1: Right? Who leaves the house wearing a t-shirt and earrings, but no underpants?

Girl 2: Or shoes!

Girl 1: Why do I feel like I'm having a vision of Star Jones' future?

Girl 2: Oh my God, you are such a beyotch, that's hilarious.

Girl 1: And like, the best thing, is that we can totally sit here talking about her omanko, and no one here has any idea because we're speaking in Japanese!

Girl 2: Totally.


David said...

I hope you told them to have a nice day (or something similar) in Japanese as they got off the train.

Great story.

Robert Bayn said...

HAHA, thats some funny stuff!

Silus Grok said...

I was thinking the same thing as David... only, I would have said something like "If you think it's bad from where you are, you should really appreciate my situation...".

I speak French fluently, with smatterings of Mandarin and Danish thrown-in for fun... and it's amazing what people will say when they think know one can understand them.


Silus Grok said...


I thought your mug looked familiar, David... you live right here in Salt Lake City!

* passes David a bowl of green jello *

Jade said...

LOL! I'm surprised they allowed her into the station with no shoes on. That is one crazy big city you live in.

kr pdx said...

I had a friend who spent a year in China--and sometimes forgot, upon returning to the States, that people besides the highly-educated could understand English. Which might not have been so bad if she wasn't quite so judgmental ...

The best: "Oh, my God, would you look at that woman's Texas High Hair???" (5 feet away in a grocery store)

Yep. That was smooth ;).

In Portland, of course, the majority of us would have decided your train lady must have lost funding for her medication, and determinedly either averted our eyes or attempted to carry on intelligible coversation until our actual stop. It's kind of a point of honor here to accept people where they are at, unless they are lecherous or violent. Even--or especially--on public transportation.

I haven't bought my "Keep Portland Weird" bumper sticker yet, but every time I see one I consider it ;).

Musicguy said...

That totally made my miserable morning better! Thanks for the laugh :-)

little-cicero said...

Hisderacal! (my new word)
And I wasn't sure about walking in NY in sandals. I guess I figured the toxic waste from the East River would rise to my ankles! I was only partially right.