Wednesday, December 07, 2005


Some of my friends tell me that the reason I don't date more is that I need to lower my standards. (Personally, I don't think it's about "standards" so much as the "kind" of guys I like don't really exist in New York, outside of straight bars. Actually, wait...that's a bigger problem. Sigh.)

That said, there are still some qualities that count as non-negotiable dealbreakers:
  • Voting for George Bush
  • Liking the movie "The English Patient"
  • Small dick (well, it's true)

Those are pretty much my standards. However, I have, like many credit card companies, decided to inform you that I am adopting a policy change. To the above list, I am adding one additional dealbreaker:

I'm sorry, I can't relate to someone who enjoys a "song" that contains these lyrics:

I met a girl down at the disco.
She said hey, hey, hey yea let’s go
I could be your baby, you can be my honey
Lets spend time not money.
and mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa,
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.

I'm never having cereal again.


Anthony said...

I'd never heard of that song before and can't say I'm particularly tempted to click on the link either, lest it prove to be an audio file.

little-cicero said...

How many gay guys voted for Bush anyway? I doubt that you have to worry about one slipping in to your dating pool!

JP said...

LC: I believe 23% of self-identified gays voted for Bush in the last election. Obviously, the percentage is probably lower among gays in Manhattan.

Rose Fox said...

Those sound like perfectly reasonable dealbreakers to me. I'm sure there are plenty of queer guys out there who qualify.

I dunno about lowering standards, though. It's nice to be within the "exists on this planet" range (i.e. don't specify every detail of appearance, personality, and background) but there's no need to sink terribly low. Even if you're looking for someone who's one in a million, there are eight of him in New York City. It's all about how willing you are to be honest about what you want and work hard to find it.

If you haven't tried OkCupid, I recommend it. It's really different from other dating/personals sites--most of which disgust me--and I've met some really nice people through it, including a woman I expect to be very close friends with for the rest of our lives. It's worth a try, at least.

Jon said...

They played that song the other day in the cafeteria at work, and I came this close to going to the HR office to accuse the cafeteria of sexual harrasment. I agree with you. On all counts, actually.

Steve said...

Oh my...that is wrong on many levels. I would agree with you on all of your dealbreakers. Your standards aren't too high. They seem to be very appropriate.

Enjoy the day.

Michael said...

When did the gays become so totally unhip?

Andy said...

Mike: If "My Humps" is hip, then I prefer to be a stodgy old coot with my ABBA, Cher & Madonna. Besides, you're the one TiVo-ing the Bermuda Triangle miniseries.

LC: it's true, statistically speaking, based on extensive research, it does appear that I am more likely to encounter "small dick" than "pro-Bush."

JP: But what percentage of closted, self-loathing gays (e.g., ex-Mayor Jim West) voted for Bush?

Rose: Even if you're looking for someone who's one in a million, there are eight of him in New York City. That's brilliant. I'm going to use that.

I'm already on are most of the commenters on this post, LOL! But it hasn't exactly worked wonders for me, and -- present company excluded -- I don't come across people I'd want to meet.

Jon: We're actually having sexual harassment training at work on Monday, so the topic has been in the air. A group of employees decided yesterday that singing "My humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps" definitely counted as harassment. Whatcha gonna do wit all that ass? Well, Fergie was right: I screamed. Maybe not in the way she'd hoped. I ain't buyin' the biatch no icey-s.

Trickish Knave said...

A small dick as a dealbreaker? If I was gay I don't think I would want this huge John Holmes dick boring out my asshole. Scar tissue in the rectum just doesn't appeal to me.

But, if I recall from one of your previous posts from a while ago, butt sex is not always at the top of the gay sex list. I remember reading a Maxim article about women and dick size- big ones to suck, medium for intercourse, and small for butt sex. I guess this could also apply to some gays that don't want a big one in the butt but like to suck on them?

As far as standards go, you can never have too many and they can never be set too high. During my separation (and subsequent divorce) I "slummed it" a few times and had sex with some women with whom I would never want to have a serious relationship with- I just needed some. Yes, just a fulfillment of the most basic primal need with no contact afterwards. If I wasn't such an ass I might feel some kind of guilt.

Political affiliation wasn't such a big deal nor was religious preference. My wife (I remarried) voted for Clinton and she is Catholic- 2 things that I don't hold against her, much. She did have a redeeming quality in that she did vote for Bush but the religious "discussions" come around every once in a while.

As a southern Baptist I just don't get some of the Catholic things, I understand the dogma behind them, alhtough I had to learn it from my own research because my wife is a "non-practicing" Catholic and couldhn't answer my questions.

Anyway, we have decided that we will expose our son to each religion and then let him decide which one, if any, he would like to be involved in.

Well, this has turned in to a ramble but since I havn't posted on your blog in a while I guess this can be considered a "catch-up" post. Merry Christmas, Andy. I'll be going to ABQ, NM to see my kids next week so it might be a while before I post.

Andy said...

Uch, you conservatives and your black/white views of the world! It's either invade Iraq, or do nothing! Small dick, or John Holmes!

This post apparently contained something for everyone; every comment is different...

biscuit said...

Damn. Now we can't ever date; I find myself singing that song to myself on the subway. Especially the line about "lovely lady lumps." That's some fucking funny alliteration right there.

Andy said...

Well, it's only a dealbreaker in the dating sense. There's a different set of standards for hot, meaningless sex. (Well, the small dick thing is still applicable.)

Matthew said...


I'm curious... what do you consider to be a "small dick"?

In the dozen or so (yes, that's all) sexual encounters I've had in my life, I can only think of one guy who actually qualified as "small."

So, are you really talking about "small," Andy, or are you one of those who considers the average (6") to be small, as well?

Andy said...

I need to be able to find it in the dark.

biscuit said...

Oh, so the path is still clear to hot, meaningless sex? Well! That's a relief.

Trickish Knave said...

Oh come now, Andy. Why must liberals take one line from something and twist into something it's not? I said I wouldn't like a John Holmes monster boring out my anus. Of course anything larger than the doctor's finger while checking my prostrate would feel like a J.H. anyway. What does that have to do with sending troops into Iraq to overthrow a despotic asshole who kills his own people?

Matthew got it though. Size is relative and if your idea of "not small" is being able to find it in the dark then relatively speaking my doctor analogy works.

Feh, whatever floats your rectum, I suppose. But it seems that you didn't make it past the first line in my post and got hung up on the potential poop-dick fiasco. I thought you knew me better than that!

David said...

Better to live happily single than in a relationship you settled for.

Richie said...

Awww... well, at least you may be able to find my dick in the dark. Now, from that to actually making me a top... there's a HUGE distance.

Also I would like to point the visitors to Andy's blog to a website of some series called Dante's Cove. Supposedly gay Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now the catch is that not only there are hot gay men in that series, there is a hetero guy playing gay (and quite well I must add), William Gregory Lee, who is also is hot...

Only problem is... he seems to be a bottom LOL :)

Ahh why am I reading blogs on Sat morning? :)

I really enjoy your blog Andy

little-cicero said...

Sounds like your feelings about these lyrics are in aggreement with those of Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell!

Andy said...

Yes, I doubt neither Pat nor Jerry would date a man who liked The Black-Eyed Peas.

little-cicero said...

Or would they?

Anonymous said...

Perhaps the reason no one wants to date you is because you're so shallow.

Andy said...

Well, that and I'm ugly, yes.

Anonymous said...

You're not "shallow." You're honest. (Unlike most.) And, you're definitely not "ugly." You're handsome. (Unlike many.)

Lucky are the men who date you.

Andy said...

They might be lucky, if there were any.