A Neighborhood Wish List

I have lived in Washington Heights now for eleven years, and I've seen a lot of changes, mostly for the better. Here are some things I think still need some work:

The Monkey Room: we love you! I don't know where you get your bagels from, but they are awful. Please, it's Manhattan. To borrow a phrase from Howard Dean, "We can do better." Also, please keep serving coffee all day, even when you officially become a bar at 4:00 p.m. or whenever. Sometimes when I get home from work I want a coffee; Frank's is too weak and Starbucks is too far. Some evenings it would be wonderful to sit out on your patio with a big cappuccino. Please bring back gay Wednesdays. I promise I'll go more. More dancers, less Chablis St. Croix, or whatever the trannie-host's name was.

Associated Super Market: Now that you have those electronic scanners, there is simply no excuse for your inconsistent inventory other than managerial incompetence. Here are some items that you are frequently out of: sweet italian sausage tortellini, breaded chicken patties, Reduced Fat Wheat Thins. Also, how can you call yourself a grocery store if you have never once in eleven years had a frozen Sara Lee cheesecake for sale?!?!?!?!?!

On the subject of frozen pizzas, you need a lot of help. Is it any wonder that you always have Jeno's and Celeste in stock? It's crap. You've always got it because no one wants it. You have never carried Tombstone. You have never had Stouffer's French Bread pizzas. Sometimes you have DiGiorno in stock, but only the small size and usually only the cheese version. When you started carrying California Pizza Kitchen frozen pizzas, I nearly had a heart attack from joy. However, there are seven varieties available. Once I saw some Thai Chicken, a while back we had Five Cheese & Tomato, and often, to your credit, you have the famous BBQ Chicken. But you have not had a single CPK pizza in stock for three weeks now. For shame!

Don't get me started on your Ben & Jerry's supply. Oh, and your checkout counter girls wouldn't know customer service if it came up and bit them in the culo.

Speaking of customer service, Frank's: you're amazing, we love you, but the thugs who work your deli counter are incompetent and occasionally rude. Would it kill you to hire a butcher who knows what he's doing?

Trattoria Bleu/Monkey Room people: back when Monkey Room was Capo Verde, you guys made the bestest burritos ever. Please find a way to work take-out burritos back into the business.

For that matter, someone please get Washington Heights a mexican restaurant. Oh, and edible Chinese. Also, for the love of God, a NYSC, a decent newsstand, a laundromat that is open later than 7:30 and a video store that has more Joan Crawford movies than they do copies of Soul Plane. (Fort Washington Video has 4 Soul Planes and no Crawford.)

More A trains.

Cute, slightly overweight guy on said A train who smiles at me: just get a haircut and I might smile back.