A Compromise

I have decided I would like to support George W. Bush's proposed constitutional amendment to protect marriage, on the following conditions:

1. Divorce will be illegal.
2. Secular ceremonies (i.e., those performed by a judge or justice of the peace) will be banned.
3. Adultery will be criminalized; the penalty should be a mandatory jail sentence, or perhaps, as recommended by Leviticus, stoning. I'm flexible on that one.
4. Divorces granted in other countries will not be recognized.
5. Everyone wanting to get married must pass a fertility test; infertile couples can only be married after signing an affidavit indicating their intention to adopt.

If this doesn't sound acceptable to you, then please stop trying to hold gay people to standards you can't fucking maintain for yourselves, assholes.