Memo to Republicans: I just want you to know I bought an economy size bag of pixie dust during my lunch hour today (it's commonly available here on the streets of Manhattan; I picked mine up at a sex-toy store between a Starbucks and a Birkenstock outlet) and I'm coming for your children.
Oh yes. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
I walked past American Girl Place on my way back to the office and sprinkled a generous handful on some rosy-cheeked blond blue eyed pre-adolescent cherubs. As I continued on my way, I heard them variously exclaim, "Mommy, why can't I find a No Make-Up Barbie?" and "Mommy, can I give my dolly a mullet when we get home?" and "Mommy, for Christmas can I have a tool belt just like Daddy's?"
I stopped in at HMV and tossed some in the air over a baggy-pantsed skater boy, who promptly dropped the Ashlee Simpson CD he was holding and ran over to the showtunes aisle, where he immediately pounced on the original cast recordings of "Avenue Q" and "Funny Girl" and said, "Oh mom, can I get these, pleeeeeeease?"
Just for kicks I even scattered a cloud of it as I was crossing an intersection in the midst of a crowd that didn't even have any kids in it. I think at least 4 marriages failed right then and there and a guy with a goatee in a Jets jersey whipped out a cell phone and made a reservation for a facial at a day spa.
As the wind caught it and blew it up 5th Avenue, four guys in the back corner of O'Leary's bar promptly dumped out their mugs of Bud Lite and ordered appletinis instead. Then they went to the jukebox and put on some ABBA.
We tried the tolerance thing with you people, but you wouldn't play along. Now it's war. You're all going to be fabulous within 2 years...3 tops. By the time we get around to inaugurating the next president in 2008, she'll be moving into a residence known as the Pink House.
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4 comments:
I have always believed that the evidence for the alleged power of homosexuals to convert breeders has been suspect, AT BEST.
I mean, why, for example, is there not a team of faggot conversion experts working around-the-clock on Brad Pitt? And who the hell would have bothered converting Andrew Sullivan?
Wake up people, there is no evidence that one single homosexual was ever converted. Well, except for Jimmy Swaggart, but that was just one time.
I am so glad I sprinkled a whole bag of fairy dust all over you when you were a baby! I am such a proud mom.
Actually there are methods to our madness. At the National Homo Convention some years ago a resolution was passed to not attempt to convert Brad Pitt, as we felt it was a good idea to keep his sexy genes in the pool.
Secondly, a team of experts is working around the clock to get Andrew Sullivan to convert back. We don't want him.
I converted my ex-boyfriend-now-married-to-a-girl for about a year :) and he would not even come close a c**k! :) By the end of it, we were going at it like bunnies :)
So, yeah we can convert them. At least I hold a bit of that power :)
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