Sample Cover Letter

Dear Human Resources Department Mail Sorter:

I am looking for a new job. Specifically, a job that doesn't suck.

I am an outspoken progressive quasi-socialist who finds he can't work in Manhattan's financial industry, which is about where 4 out of 5 jobs seem to be. Something about sitting in a cubicle editing spreadsheet data indicating how to make rich people richer just isn't doing it for me. I don't like wearing a tie. I barely tolerate pants.

I have years of experience pretending to get along with all kinds of people. Most people have no idea how much I pity/despise/lust after them, I'm that good.

My requirements are simple. I need about 90 minutes first thing in the morning to go through my various news sources, then 30 minutes to an hour to work on my blog, depending on what's going on in the world and how motivated/inspired I am. After that, I'm free to do at least an hour's worth of your work before I take another break for roughly 45 minutes to an hour to check personal email. Then I go to lunch. After lunch it should only take me 30-45 minutes to check and respond to the replies to the emails I sent out earlier. This generally leaves me with approximately a full two-hour window in the afternoon for me to give you and your projects my undivided attention, before I start to wind things up for the day around 4:00 as I watch the clock tick toward 5 while checking out travel websites and fantasizing about taking a vacation to get myself the hell away from you, as well as making happy hour plans with my drinking buddies.

I have eleven years' experience of pretending to be busy at some of New York's top companies, including FOX, Barnes & Noble, Related Capital Company, PaineWebber, Cushman & Wakefield, and many, many others.

So if you have any jobs that don't totally suck and pay decently, please let me know.

Yours,
Andy