Limbo Hell

6:23 a.m. -- don't even know how to begin. The political commentators whose opinions I most respect all say Bush has already won. I can't even fathom. I have a sick, tightening knot in my stomach. I refuse to give up hope, but it looks like hope is all I have. Regardless of the electoral outcome, Bush has won the popular vote.

I am so ashamed...ashamed, and furiously angry. It's disaster. As I was lying in bed last night trying to come to terms with the possibility of re-election, I thought, "Well, sometimes the important lessons are the hardest ones to learn." If the first four years didn't do it, wait until people see what kind of president Bush is now.

My life has been on hold for about the past two years. I have been waiting for this day, barely able to acknowledge that I don't know how to live in a world -- or at least, a country -- so cruel, so selfish, so shallow, so smug; these are the only qualities I can think of that would lead a person to support Bush. Maybe it's retarded, but I had hoped a Kerry win would release whatever has been holding on to me physiologically, and that my voice would come back. Right now, I'm not exaggerating when I tell you I feel like strong hands are clasped around my throat, squeezing tightly.

The Republicans will not be gracious winners. We will be taunted, ridiculed, and insulted for the next four years. Dissent will not be tolerated. Criticism will continue to be acquainted with treason. Civil rights are screwed. The assault weapons ban is history; Ken Lay will get off; we'll never know the truth of what happened on September 11; the Patriot Act will be strengthened; public schools will be bankrupted and dismantled; we will be isolated in the world because we have chosen belligerence over cooperation, arrogance over humility, impatience over reason, politics over reality.

So what's next for me?

Out.

I want out.

Out of this city, that's for damn sure. New Yorkers, I love you, you voted with me, but the terrorists are coming, I know this. With Kerry I thought there was at least a chance we could begin to address the real issues that face us globally, and that we'd recapture international support. But now we are isolated...as in the Bush campaign ad, the wolves are circling, and we've got Elmer Fucking Fudd to protect us. If Americans in the heartland are concerned about terrorist attacks, they ought to try spending two hours of their day every day of their lives packed with hundreds of people in a tin can on wheels in dark and dirty tunnels under the streets of Manhattan. It's not a comforting feeling.

Out of this country, if I can get there. Sure, go ahead, call me whatever names you want, right-wing simpletons. But I love this country, and I believe in the promise of America. It is so painful to see that the majority of Americans do not share my values, do not share my visions. I can't bear to watch what's about to happen.

My friends will tell me I'm being dramatic. I was wrong about this election, wrong about the national sentiment, wrong -- apparently -- about the dynamics in voter turnout. Maybe I'm wrong about the prospect of the next four years. You have no idea how much I'd love to be wrong.

May God have mercy on us all.