Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Homosexual Lifestyle

I have become Jerry Falwell's worst nightmare.

After work tonight I came home from my job at the Homosexual Agenda and cooked my first Phase 1 South Beach Diet dinner, Ginger Chicken in Snow Pea Salad. I know I said in November that I was going on a diet, but with the holidays and everything that wasn't really practical. Well, last night I hopped on the scale again. I won't tell you what I weigh, but I can give you hints: the first number is a two, the last number is a one, and in between is a big 0 for OH MY GOD.

For Christmas I bought myself The South Beach Diet Quick and Easy Cookbook (thanks for the g.c., Dad!). Ready in 30 minutes or less! says the cover.

Now, speed and ease are important to me because I'm tired after my commute and I'm not really up for a big effort. This recipe called for 10 minutes of prep and 20 minutes of cooking.

Thirty minutes, my flabby butt! It took me an hour. (Okay, part of that was that someone at the grocery store put a chicken breast with the bones in in the middle of the boneless-breast pile and naturally that's the one I picked up, so I had to debone...and since I bought the package using the weight called for in the recipe, I ended up with significantly less chicken than I desired, especially since de-boning is not one of my skills. So, SMACK to you, whoever you are.)

It was yummy, though.

After dinner I retired to the living room to fold laundry and watch Queer Eye. Carson's still not as funny as he thinks he is; actually, he's kind of creepy. And after all this time they still can't find something for Jai to do?

I don't know if this was a re-run or not, I'm not a regular watcher, but it was this one where they makeover this veterinarian and decide to surprise his fiancee with a wedding. A little risky...he goes to pick her up from work and says, "Hello, you're getting married in an hour." Yipes.

I thought the wedding actually looked beautiful and was very cool, and once the bride got over her shock, she seemed to enjoy herself. The ring-bearer was the couple's dog Stanley who came running down the aisle with the rings bound up in a cute little scarf. And of course, that's when I started sobbing like it was King Kong all over again.

What's probably scariest about My Homosexual Lifestyle is that it's virtually indistinguishable from that of a midwestern hausfrau.

3 comments:

Anono.Blogger said...

You know, South Beach may be great, for an ongoing, healthy lifestyle, I must say that WeightWatchers is a fantastic program. I lost over 25 lbs, have kept them off for over 2 years and feel great (and look fabulous!).

Best of luck. I don't think that 201 is a lucky number, but it is prime!

A.B.

p.p. said...

You're right about Jai. All he does is hand out gift certificates and tickets to plays. Lame.

Good luck on the ol'diet. My flabby ass is starting one too, once I get my new refrigerator.

Jean F. said...

I too have heard that WeightWatchers is the most consistently successful diet. Of course I don't believe in diets... and since you know me I guess you can take from that whatever you want. I believe that the old food pyramid idea is still a good plan, combined with regular exercise. You walk so much I would think that would qualify for a good percentage of the exercise piece. Alcohol is good for creating a big tummy...

As for Queer Eye -- I gave up on it after the first season. The only one who is truly talented (in my opinion) is Tom(?) the interior design guy. He is incredibly talented. But I think Jai is very cute... Carson annoys me. Also the food guy is really annoying. I'm sure my opinion is of great interest to you.