JANUARY: Pat Robertson predicts a major terrorist strike on the United States toward the end of 2007. "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear. The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."
FEBRUARY: Mary Cheney announces she's carrying a baby, not a prop. The Primates of the Anglican Communion issue a "communiqué" to the Episcopal Church: discriminate or get out. Andy is a guest on The Colbert Report. (Okay, fine, I was in the audience.)
MARCH: Rocky & Starbuck make their YouTube debut. General Peter Pace testifies before Congress in favor of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." The Episcopal Church's House of Bishops responds to the Primates: "Get Bent." Four of Final Five Cylons revealed! And, who could forget Bong Hits 4 Jesus?
APRIL: Andy says goodbye to New York; The Cats Across America Tour.
MAY: The Oregon Legislature passes a bill establishing statewide domestic partnership registration for same-sex couples. (The law was set to go into effect tomorrow, but a judge halted it on December 29, saying opponents should get another shot at putting the civil rights of lesbian and gay Oregonians up for a vote). Andy, Rocky & Starbuck find a new home. The Rapture Index approaches "Fasten Your Seatbelts!"
JUNE: The Preznit pardons Scooter Libby. Andy turns 29 (again).
JULY: Heaven gets a new angel. Britney takes up method acting.
AUGUST: I receive the ugliest flower arrangement in the history of the universe. Mabel the Sable has a breakdown. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert go on vacation for two weeks, during which thankfully nothing newsworthy happens, except Michael Vick is arrested for dogfighting, Alberto "I Can't Answer That Question" Gonzales abruptly resigns, and Larry "I am Not Gay" Craig takes a wide stance for civil rights.
SEPTEMBER: Cancer claims Pavarotti. The President addresses the You-Night-Ed Nay-Shunz. Portland Opera opens with Carmen.
OCTOBER: Starbuck's modeling debut. Andy gets a job. Andy switches to FOX News. Andy gets fan mail. Andy makes a Cat-o-Lantern.
NOVEMBER: Andy (accidentally) goes undercover at a Catholic Church. Revealed!: Admiral Cain eats out (at Quiznos?).
DECEMBER: Hurricane-force winds strike Oregon. 60 Minutes airs a story about openly gay servicemen and women, prompting Concerned Woman J. Matt Barber to cry, "Put a cork in it!" Portland gets its first white Christmas since 1937. Andy makes a New Year's resolution.
To my readers: best wishes for a happy, healthy, successful 2007!
UPDATE: Erm, I meant 2008.